Welcome to the first edition of the With Leather Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, a copy and paste of Smackdown spoilers from copy and paste wrestling news sites that analyzes what happened based on indirect reporting and jumps (over the top rope) to conclusions. You want to know what happens on Smackdown, but you don’t want to sit at home on Friday nights watching a half-assed episode of Raw with canned crowd noise, right? Check this out and just pretend you watched it.
(Then come back on Saturday and read the Best and Worst of Smackdown.)
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Note: These are actually Smackdown spoilers. Clickhole does not have a wrestling branch.)
- WWE has a multi-man ladder match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship coming up at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. What is the ONE opening segment you’re guaranteed before any multi-man match of note? If you answered “the one where a guy comes out to say he’s gonna win but gets interrupted by one of his opponents, then they get interrupted by a third opponent, then THEY get interrupted by the fourth until everybody’s out and arguing or brawling,” congratulations, you watch pro wrestling. That happens here.
- Seth Rollins defeated Kofi Kingston. It might’ve been Dolph Ziggler wearing gear with palm trees on it, we can’t confirm. We CAN confirm that Seth had new gear, though, and that he’s gone from looking like a badass swat dude to looking like Trinity from The Matrix.
- Dolph Ziggler defeated Bad News Barrett. Bad News Barrett is the Intercontinental Champion, so it makes sense that he should lose to a guy whose biggest win in 2014 was against a jobber in a Magneto hoodie from Hot Topic. Barrett should unify the IC and United States Championships and start losing 40 second squashes to Heath Slater.
- Adam Rose defeated Titus O’Neil. Remember when Titus came up with a cool new idea for a heel run, cut that weird backstage promo and was almost immediately hurled into the abyss? Here he is losing to a guy who is not as over as his own entrance theme. Spoiler alert: the announce team spends just as much time during this match talking about the bunny as they do Adam Rose.
- Kane defeated Dean Ambrose. Glad to see WWE putting over its young stars. Seth Rollins is on color commentary for this, which I’m sure is succinct and engaging. I’m sure he also provides no distraction for Ambrose during the match, does not cause Ambrose to lose and does not jump into the ring and attack at any point afterwards. I feel like in a purely kayfabe universe, color commentary appearances should be banned. They never end well, and were sorta outed as a hacky plot device a decade ago when Edge and Christian announced they were here to “do a run-in.”
- Big E defeated Jack Swagger. Also known as “The Battle Of Who Could Care Less.”
- A backstage segment occurs where Summer Rae and Fandango make out, which causes Layla to burst into tears. Reminder: Summer Rae, the woman who got dumped and handled it by viciously attacking her ex’s new girlfriend, dumping milk all over her, calling her a “twat” on live television and still trying to hook up with the ex is the babyface. The woman who dances and is in love is the heel.
- Bo Dallas defeated Fandango. In a match that was surely designed to get Bo and Fandango over, Summer Rae and Layla fight with each other and ruin everything.
- Bray Wyatt had more mic time and was really great at it, but is still doing that breathing thing that bothers anyone who notices it.
- Sheamus, Roman Reigns and John Cena defeated Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton, Alberto Del Rio and Cesaro. The culmination of that “everybody’s beefing” opening segment trope. We find out why Alberto Del Rio’s involved in the match here, and it’s so he can take pins in the “pair up the ladder match opponents” matches leading up to Money in the Bank. I like to think Roman Reigns drugged Stephanie McMahon’s coffee and caused her to comedy vomit on Vickie Guerrero’s face so he could fit in with his new tag team partners John Cena and Sheamus.
And that’s our show!
If you like the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, let us know in the comments section below. Also, be sure to speculate wildly about everything you’ve read. One sentence of results is SURELY enough to decide whether something will be good or bad. And hey, share this, won’t you? Ruin two hours of wrestling for everyone.