Last week we debuted the With Leather Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, a column that copies and pastes Smackdown spoilers from copy and paste news sites and jumps to conclusions about what happened and what everything means. This is your one-stop shop for unfounded rumors, baseless speculation and two hours of wrestling being ruined on the Internet.
If you don’t watch Smackdown, you can read this and pretend. We do a Best and Worst of Smackdown on Saturday mornings to fill in any pertinent gaps.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Note: These are actually Smackdown spoilers.)
- Dean ‘Jean’ Ambrose defeated Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett. Barrett still holds the Intercontinental Championship, which makes him the least successful person on the WWE roster. It’s like being “it” in a game of tag. Ambrose pins Barrett with the HIGH VOLTAGE headlock driver. After the match, they do a truncated version of the “everybody from the upcoming multi-man match shows up” gag that culminates with Rollins curb stomping Ambrose, Ambrose beating up Jack Swagger with a ladder and Jack Swagger injuring Bad News Barrett. Uh, not in that order.
- Divas Champion Paige defeated Cameron. This is the third time in like two weeks Paige has beaten Cameron. Be here next week for 2-3 additional Paige vs. Cameron matches.
- Sheamus defeated Bray Wyatt. SHOCKER. Even more shocking is that the match ended by disqualification when the Wyatt Family interfered to keep Bray from losing. After the match, Sheamus lined up all three members of the team and that weird kid with the monster voice from Extreme Rules and Brogue Kicked them all at once, sending their sheep masks floating hilariously into the crowd. After that, Sheamus picked up their bodies and repeatedly punched them in their unconscious faces while laughing.
- Cesaro and Alberto Del Rio defeated Dolph Ziggler and Rob Van Dam. Del Rio won for his team by putting the cross armbreaker on Van Dam and refusing to let it go even when the referee told him to!!(!!!!) Cesaro attacked Del Rio for making him sit through the same thing he’s watched on Raw 600 times since 2010.
- Rusev defeated Sin Cara. Update: Rusev and Lana don’t like America. Big E and Rusev had a staredown after the match, ending with Big E knocking Rusev out of the ring. Rusev used his time on the floor to point out how weak and pathetic our so-called American floors are. They should just start projecting a giant image of Putin on the floor during all Rusev matches.
- Roman Reigns defeated Kane. By disqualification, again, when somebody jumps in to stop the match right before the finisher. They’re in love with that, aren’t they? WATCH THIS MATCH SO YOU CAN SEE THE ONE MOVE YOU KNOW AND LIKE. OH BOY, HERE IT COMES. WHOOPS, SORRY, DEAL WITH IT.
Anyway, Orton showed up and jumped Reigns before a spear to cause a DQ. Kane chokeslammed Reigns and set up a ladder so Orton could climb up it and pose with the championship belts, because if there’s one thing Demons care about, it’s thematically appropriate final shots on your go-home show. Reigns continued his “you end Raw how I SAY you end Raw” shenanigans by getting up, spearing both of them and posing with the belts. Chances Roman will leave Money in the Bank with the title set at around 0%.
And that’s our show!
If you like the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, let us know in the comments section below. Also, be sure to speculate wildly about everything you’ve read. If you’d like to throw out some Money in the Bank predictions before our actual Money in the Bank predictions thread goes up, go for it. If you want to make SummerSlam predictions, shit, I’m not your dad. Do what you want.