Last Night On Raw: Summerslam 2010 Is Going To Be Important
The first month or two of The Nexus was special. They were a group of young wrestlers making a true impact on Raw and Smackdown. Veterans and announcers are always talking about how you’ve got to make an “impact,” but if you make an ACTUAL impact, everybody turns on you and tries to kick you out for not respecting tradition. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. It’s never been fair, and it’s ultimately reliant on the whims of one probably-senile old man.
But yeah, the match was supposed to be 7-on-7: the Nexus vs. John Cena’s Secretly Formed Super Team. The Nexus was smart, though, and took a two-pronged preemptive attack on Cena’s team by worsening the personal and trust issues the team already had with one another and sneak attacking whenever they could. By the middle of this episode Edge and Chris Jericho have quit Cena’s team and The Great Khali has been jumped and injured, making it 4-on-7.
The main event of the show was a lumberjack match between Edge/Jericho and Cena/Old Man Cena Found At The Comic Book Shop. When Cena gets tossed out, the Nexus attacks him. When Jericho gets tossed out, they leave him alone. They’re smart, and they only need to start shit with the guy they’re wrestling at the pay-per-view. LOGIC, Y’ALL. The problem is that Wade Barrett’s ego occasionally overtakes logic, so when Jericho accidentally hits him, he orders the Nexus to attack EVERYBODY. That leads to a big 4-on-7 brawl, with Edge and Jericho realizing they’re ALSO boned if they don’t stop the Nexus and rejoining to make it 6-on-7. It’s exciting.
The other story is how Cena and Bret want the hottest guy on the show at that point — The Miz — to join Team WWE. The problem THERE is that The Miz is a total piece of shit and wants them to beg him, and even then won’t make his decision until the day of Summerslam. That becomes a story on NXT, with Miz telling his old tag team partner John Morrison that he’ll join if Morrison kisses his ass about it. That leads to a match between the two, and wow, wrestling stories are pretty good when they layer themselves and make sense.
I won’t spoil the SummerSlam main-event for you here, but I’ll give you two preview points:
1. John Cena is the worst
2. The 7th member of Team WWE is a lot better than The Great Khali
Worst: John Morrison Is Real Bad
Everything bad I say about Kofi Kingston is just residual rage from how bad John Morrison was.
He’s one of those guys WWE fans will tell you was great, because he was athletic and could do parkour. He WAS athletic. He COULD do parkour. What he couldn’t do was believably wrestle, EVER, and he had probably the worst offense in the history of the company. Consider: the C4 (aka “front flip and I’ll try to hold onto you), the breakdancing leg drop that took away the gravity and force that makes even bad leg drops believable, the springboard kick that was 1% kick and 99% leg slap, the Starship Pain that always missed by a minimum of a foot or that standing shoot star press (pictured) that connected with his hand and part of his forearm. I think “Moonlight Drive” was the only decent move in his arsenal, and that was just an upside down McGillicutter. That was his BEST MOVE.
He also had no idea how to sell anything. Watch him in this match, holding his arm to his side and cradling it, then popping back to life and harmlessly throwing clotheslines with it. Watch him hold his back like he’s about to die, then do a springboard kick followed by a bunch of sweatless taunts. The problem was some combination of bad acting and being in too good of shape to believably express “pain.” I don’t know. I’ve never known.
Miz beats him here because The Miz was great in 2010, and about half a year from his momentum ending brain wobbling.
Best: Lucky Cannon Gets Eliminated And Loses His Goddamn Mind
Jump to the 4:10 mark.
I never realized until now that the Bo Dallas gimmick isn’t “motivational speaker,” it’s “Lucky Cannon being eliminated on NXT season 2.” It’s eerie. Cannon gets eliminated and Striker asks him about his thoughts, so he does this great Nic Cage-style “I’m not gonna FREAK OUT” freakout. First, it’s a speech about how he hopes everyone’s been enjoying NXT season 2, with Husky Harris running through walls and a giant talking about mustaches. Then he starts insulting people to their faces, calling Percy Watson a poor imitation of Charlie Murphy and Kaval a “9-year old boy who sounds like Barry White.” Then he goes BUT LIKE I SAID THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY THANKS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
It’s such a sincere moment of mental illness I can’t even explain it properly. Just another part of the enigma that is Lucky Cannon, a man with amnesia who might’ve lied about everything he’s ever done and got two almost shots at WWE stardom.