Best: Mark Henry Stars In ‘Blast From The Past’
Last time we saw Mark Henry he was learning how wrestling works as a live wrestling event was taking place. Now, he’s in a short video of Philadelphia and it looks like one of those movies where the guy has been stuck somewhere for decades and he’s getting acclimated to society. He’s all “look, guys, a bell with a crack in it. What will they think of next, America?” “People really ride these hairy animals? Now way, guys.”
Worst: Heel Jim Ross
No. None of this. I’m not ready. Pineapples.
So it seems as though this pay-per-view is taking place right in the middle of Jim Ross’ heel run where he’s introducing fake Diesel and fake Razor Ramon and it’s one of the most awkward, least-enjoyable things I’ve ever seen. I can’t think of a guy who’s such a natural heel in real life who plays such a horrible heel on TV. Also, I’ve never cared about an announce team that much to want them to dominate a match with their back-and-forth. Vince is sort of poking Ross while Ross is making ex-wife jokes and complaining about not getting respect while Perfect is waiting for someone to do a Fisherman’s suplex so he can yell a bunch.
I know it’s blasphemous to talk bad about Jim Ross the commentator but Heel Jim Ross, Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect is an all-time crappy announce team. They’re fine when they’re actual humans but right now, they’re getting the mute button treatment.
Meh: A Match That Sort Of Just Ends
The Smoking Guns and Bulldog and Owen (The Bulldhosers for the purposes of this column) had a standard RAW tag title match, because most matches on IYH were basically matches we get on RAW every week as I’m starting to learn. Tag matches were pretty stale around this time as everyone seemed to get into the groove of the basic heel beat down/hot tag/schmoz ending. This ending, though, doesn’t even give us that. We get what feels like a rushed distraction thing where Bulldog gets the pin. Ho-hum. I guess the story here is Sunny dumping the Guns, which the match is just a set up for. Good. Now she can go manage Black Spartacus. That will end well.
Best: Mark Henry Is America
Here we are, guys. It’s Mark Henry’s first match, which is perfect to look back on since this is the day America claims its world dominance over Germany in the World Cup. A few notes:
1) His theme music sounded almost exactly like his theme song now minus the words. I got really excited about that, then I realized it was probably dubbed over by the Network. Stop playing with my feels.
2) I really want Mark Henry to murder Lawler.
3) They tease the idea that Mark Henry could have won the match with a headlock since he was so strong and by golly that actually would have been great. Imagine Henry winning matches with headlocks because he’s so incredibly strong.
4) Seriously. Just look at Mark Henry. Look at what he’s wearing. He’s also green as a Kermit The Frog meme but that’s none of my business.