Worst: Oh No, We’re Letting Sasha Act Again
My new theory is that Sasha Banks is legally blind. Whenever she takes off her stunna shades her eyeballs go all over the place. I’ve never understood it.
I’ve given her a lot of grief for doing that thing where she reacts to every aspect of a sentence as it happens instead of listening to the entire thing and then picking an emotion, but the way she expresses MOST emotions is to look off into the distance. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the sky or buried deep beneath the Earth, an upset Sasha’s gonna glare at it.
If Summer and Sasha aren’t permanently reuniting, let’s keep The Boss as far away from these emotionally expressive backstage conversations as possible. She’s great at so many things. Her timing’s awesome, her facial expression in the ring are on point, her wrestling’s great, she’s the best natural athlete we’ve seen since Black Athlete From A Different Sport (™ Alex Riley) … why not just let that hard to reach chip go? Keep her in the ring, or find the lady equivalent of Enzo Amore and pair them up immediately.
Best: CJ Parker’s New Music And Entrance Video
Did WWE finally google “hippies?”
After a year of having a bad Jimi Hendrix riff as his entrance theme, CJ Parker has finally, FINALLY been given a song that sounds like something hippies would listen to.
It’s 2014 anyway, right? You’ve got to modernize the hippie. That dance he used to do that no hippie has ever done? Gone. The “third eye,” which sincerely tried to get A SLAP TO THE FOREHEAD over as a grown-ass man’s finisher? Gone. To make it even better, he’s got the An Inconvenient Truth version of Bo Dallas’s entrance video in place of the tie-dyed one. Total upgrade all around.
Best: CJ’s Right, Xavier Woods Is The Worst
I really liked CJ Parker’s post-match promo. He’s kinda preaching to the choir with the whole Xavier Woods Sucks thing, but it’s a good point. What HAS Xavier Woods done since going to Raw? I know Parker’s supposed to mean it in a “he should be telling people about LITTER” capacity, but it’s a good point … these guys are miring down in developmental, begging for a shot, and all Woods has done with his is be the Emma to R-Truth’s Santino. “Be a Funkadactyl??” really cracked me up.
The power of NXT is that they can take a guy I didn’t like for YEARS and turn him into my favorite guy on the show. You’re almost there, CJ Parker. Maybe get yourself a new finisher, though. Hitting somebody with the armpit of your leg isn’t much better than slapping them in the forehead.
Worst: No Seriously, Xavier Woods Is the Worst
Xavier Woods says that “dirty, greasy hippies don’t speak unless spoken to” is a “saying that’s old as time.” I guess Spencer’s Gifts carries an I HATE HIPPIES shirt now.
Also, let me get this straight: the guy who wants to save the environment is the heel. The guy who says groups of people shouldn’t be allowed to speak unless he gives them permission is the face. Got it.
Best: Tyson Kidd’s Passive-Aggressive T-Shirt, Or
Worst: Justin Gabriel Has No Idea How Points Work
His shirt says ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME. Okay, Tyson, you won me over.
The best part of the backstage interview with Justin Gabriel is that Kidd interrupts him to say, “you should beat up these young up-and-comers so they don’t take your spot,” and Gabriel says, “I’m gonna prove you wrong … BY BEATING SAMI ZAYN.” Way to know what words mean, Justin.
Best: Tyson Kidd’s Boring Sports Interview
The other instance of Tyson Kidd winning me over on this week’s show is his sit-down interview with Renee Young. It’s the most Sports Guy interview ever, with him “honestly” answering every question with the vaguest, least believable excuse ever. He answers most questions with “my head wasn’t in the right place,” adding in a lot of “I’m sorry” and “thank goodness my wife is such a controlling shrew, I could’ve never been emasculated without her.” It’s great.
Also great is him telling Renee that no questions are off limits, then just instantly turning on his mad face and storming away at the first mention of his marital problems. Like, there’s not even a rising action, they’re just calmly talking about how much he loves his wife and then he’s like F*CK THIS FOREVER HOW DARE YOU. He’s a totally unlikable guy with no clear motivations beyond MY CAREER IS ALL THE WAY UP SHIT CREEK AND I AM DROWNING IN A LITERAL CREEK OF SHIT WITH NO WAY TO SAVE MYSELF and I love it.