Day 2 of my universally beloved and 100 percent correct fantasy football analysis continues with everyone’s most important position, the running backs. Unlike QBs, a championship-caliber team needs three RBs to win, which means that there are never enough to go around, and when it comes to planning my draft, no matter which pick I have been blessed or burdened with, I always spend way too much time worrying about RBs over the other positions, because GOD JUST GIVE ME TWO HEALTHY RUNNING BACKS FOR THE WHOLE SEASON SO I CAN WIN THIS.
Conveniently enough for my meaningless, unoriginal scheme of associating popular culture with my slightly unorganized fantasy football position rankings, yesterday was Soleil Moon Frye’s 38th birthday, so I thought I’d dip into the pool of one of my favorite go-to topics – 80s teen actresses who grew up in front of the world and either lost their minds or turned out pretty rad. Frye was always kind of the leader of the pack, because even though she had her own TV show at such a young age, she grew up without selling her organs for crack money or inventing a new drug that is made from mixing dead squirrels in buckets filled with paint thinner. In fact, Frye has always been so normal that she’s almost boring because of it.
But in the world of fantasy football – *high fives all around for awful transition* – being normal and boring can sometimes play to our advantage, which is why I’ve meaninglessly ranked Frye so high up on this list, but first the disclaimer:
I am not an expert. I do not pretend to be a fantasy football analyst or expert, and I shall not be held accountable should you use this advice while drafting your fantasy teams. I will, however, brag and take credit if you win, because that is how life works, you sucker chumps. Enjoy!
The Alyssa Milanos
Where he’ll be drafted: First overall, no later than 3rd
Where you should draft him: First overall, no later than 3rd
I have the No. 1 pick in my league that really matters. As of right now, and barring any kind of injury or decision to travel the world to smoke weed and practice yoga, I am taking Jamaal Charles. Realistically, I could flip and coin and take him or LeSean McCoy, so there’s no reason for people to be like, “Yo, you’re insane if you think McCoy isn’t better.” McCoy’s great, and he did very well for me last year, but I’m going to give Charles a whirl this time. That could change, but you don’t really care.
Where he’ll be drafted: Second overall, no later than 3rd
Where you should draft him: Second, but first is an option, too
I love that Shady takes his trash talk game so seriously and constantly wants to prove that he’s the best RB in the NFL by saying, “I’m the best RB in the NFL.” The reason that I prefer Charles to McCoy this season is that I think McCoy has more weapons around him that will be doing a lot of work for the Eagles. The Chiefs may have to lean on Charles more than any other team does (aside from the Vikings), and that’s also why my mind could change as soon as I watch some preseason action.
Where he’ll be drafted: Third or 4th, maybe 5th
Where you should draft him: Third, I guess
Like McCoy, AP is great because he believes he’s the best and won’t stop running over everyone until his legs give out. He might catch a break on offense if Cordarelle Patterson is as good as described in this preseason, but the Vikings still need a QB. I never ever ever ever ever ever count Peterson out, because I drafted him two years ago and he carried me to a championship, but I worry about the fact that he has to do so much on an offense that is already guaranteed to be playing from behind. Bottom line – he’s still way better than most of the rest of these guys.
Where he’ll be drafted: Third, fourth or fifth, anything after is a gift
Where you should draft him: Third or fourth
How you value Forte comes down to a few questions:
1) Would you rather have him or Peyton Manning? (If you’re in a PPR, the answer is already Forte.)
2) Do you trust Forte to put up similar or better numbers from last year in an offense that has the league’s best WR tandem?
3) IS MATT FORTE ELITE?!?! Just kidding. That question is stupid. Don’t ever ask that f*cking question about any athlete.