Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the column that jumps to snarky conclusions based on copy-pasta’d spoilers and never actually watches the show. This week’s episode of Raw featured a few changes in the lineup, so I’m confident that we can get through two hours of pre-taped Halloween wrestling show without any distraction rollups or non-title losses for champions.
“Confident.”
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– Big Show started off the show by announcing that Daniel Bryan needs another surgery and will be out forever. He didn’t say “forever,” but his face said it. He got the crowd to do a “yes” chant to show their support for Brie Bella, I guess, because she’s the only one that does those. Sadly this does not end with Mark Henry showing up, World’s Strongestly Slamming Big Show three more times and yelling I HATE BAD NEWS, GIVE ME BACK THE WRESTLERS I LIKE.
1. Nikki Bella won the Divas Halloween Costume Battle Royal. AJ was on commentary. During the match, she stood up and yelled HEY, causing everyone in the ring to turn to her, make a confused face and hold up their hands. Nikki was able to roll them backwards out of the ring for the victory. I’m gonna guess she was dressed as a “sexy baseball player.” I’m also excited to see which Diva gets the yearly “I don’t get how sexy costumes work” push. I’m hoping it’s Natalya, and that she’s dressed like a pumpkin.
2. Kane defeated Dolph Ziggler. “Confident.”
3. Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler. “Confident.” Okay, so, in all seriousness, Kane beats Ziggler in a non-title match. After that one, Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble help beat Ziggler down. They put Zigs in another match against Rollins, and he’s already beaten up so he loses quickly. That’s not as damning as “two straight non-title losses for the same dude” sounds out of context. It’s not hopeless. It’s not like he got hit in the face a bunch of times with a microphone and ran away helplessly on Monday, then got a Jack-o-Lantern stuck on his head on Friday. Not that, uh, not that that happens to anybody.
4. Ryback defeated Heath Slater. Gonna assume this was hotly contested, ran about 14 minutes and ended with Ryback countering a lariat into a flash rollup for the win.
– Mark Henry appeared on MizTV. In a shocker, MizTV turned violent, and Henry assaulted Big Show. I’m wondering what they’re gonna do with MizTV after a tragedy like this. How can you find the strength to go on when your talk show turns violent??
5. Los Matadores defeated Stardust and Goldust. No shit, when I read this I did a Joe Schmo-style “wha-ha-ha-haaaaat?” out loud. I hope this feud ends with Stardust splitting open El Torito’s neck and draining him of his blood.
6. Rusev defeated The Great Khali. Rusev is now gunning for Sheamus and the United States Championship, which will be full of one of these things:
– great, brutal hoss fights
– really bad nationality-based humor
Also, “USA” chants. On the Indian version of Smackdown, Khali won cleanly in 30 seconds by standing still until Rusev disappeared.
– Bray Wyatt talked, rocked.
7. Dean Ambrose defeated Cesaro in a Trick or Street Fight. The “trick” is what happens when you tell someone you think John Cena vs. Randy Orton is a boring match. I want to go door to door now yelling “TRICK OR STREET FIGHT.” If they don’t give me a fun-size Snickers, I get to bash them in the head with an aluminum trash can lid and spray them with a fire extinguisher.
That’s the show. DO NOT GO GET CANDY FROM STRANGERS, CHILDREN, LOS MATADORES ARE ENTERING A TAG FEUD.
