March Badassness: 16 Have Been Brutally Killed, But 16 Remain In The ‘Game Of Thrones’ Tournament

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The votes have been tabulated and the Game of Thrones truly begins as characters from your favorite HBO show duke it out to the death to determine who shall be the the sole survivor in this March Madness style bracket. Let’s get right to the results … and, of course, the killing.

Royal Region

Daenerys (37.52% / 2,636 votes) vs Viserys (62.48% / 4389 votes)

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In our first shocking upset of the bracket, Daenerys loses to her brother Viserys. It seems there are still those out there who drink secret toasts to The Beggar King and spend nights compulsively voting for him in March Madness brackets. As the legends say, dragons are soothed by Targaryen blood so Dany’s greatest weapons were useless to her in this. Viserys wins via strangling Dany until her face turns black and dumping her body off a balcony into a horde of angry Meereneese.

Margaery (45.11% / 1671 votes) vs Robb Stark (54.89% / 2033 votes)

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Margaery offers herself up as Queen of the Norf but Robb’s only got eyes for women that destroy his chances of succeeding in life. As loathe as he is to kill her, this is to the death and the man who passes the sentence must swing the sword. He does so but Marge dodges, opening up a grievous neck wound. The blood pools up in her frogurt tube of a dress, and she drowns to death in her life’s fluid.

Joffrey (10.63% / 251 votes) vs Stannis (89.37% / 2952 votes)

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Joffrey begs for his life as Stannis has him chained to the Iron Throne and doused in wildfire. With Melisandre whispering creepy sex stuff in his ear, Stannis jerks Lightbringer from its sheath and it ignites in a roar of flame. He buries the sword right through the chest of the incestuous pretender king, and Joffrey catches alight, green fire coursing over his body as he screams in pain. His eyeballs melt down his face like cracked eggs, and his gold-weaved clothes melt into his skin as he roasts alive.

Cersei (65.69% / 2156 votes) vs Robert (34.31% / 1126 votes)

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Robert drunkenly staggers through the forest on a hunt when the sight of a scarlet dress catches his attention. It is Cersei, standing a mere ten feet away from him with a sword in her hand. Robert’s ruddy face glowers in realization and he reaches for his warhammer … which isn’t there because his Lannister squire left it back at the castle. “Betrayed!” he growls, and then staggers to his knees as a sword punches through his back and out of his fat belly, spilling his intestines onto to forest floor. “And how!” says Jaime Lannister, high fiving his sister.

Lords Region

Tywin (49.41% / 1681 votes) vs Ned Stark (50.09% / 1687)

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This one was closer than the presidential race between Bush and Gore. Tywin called for the polls to close early and then tried to get the Maesters to stop a recount. But fortunately the good people of Westeros decided Tywin was a dick, and they declared Ned the winner by 7 votes. And as is customary for those that lose votes like these in King’s Landing, Tywin is stripped naked, loaded into a catapult, and shot into the bay. ‘Accidentally’ the catapult fires wide and Tywin gets bounced off the side of the craggy cliffs lining the water, hitting every jagged rock on the way down. “One does not simply beat Ned Stark in a popularity contest,” Ned murmurs.

Tyrion (41.32% / 1279 votes) vs Arya 58.68% / 1816 votes)

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“I don’t kill children!” Tyrion protests as the battle begins. Unfortunately for him, that’s all he has the time to say before Arya darts forward quick as a shadow and spears him straight through the eye with Needle. Tyrion falls to the ground with a scream and begs for the act of mercy. “You obviously don’t know who you playin’ with,” Arya replies as she leaves him to die in a growing puddle of blood on the cold stones of the castle.

Varys (68.07% / 2085 votes) vs Sansa (31.93% / 978 votes)

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Before fighting, Varys convinces Sansa that they should have a nice lunch before battling, as is the proper and noble way to do such things. Sansa digs into a heaping plate of lemon cakes as Varys watches on with a small smile on his face. “Pardon me for not joining you,” Varys says. “But I find lemon cakes much too sweet and full of poison for my taste.” Sansa’s eyes widen as her stomach knots and her bowels violently void themselves. The embarrassment of pooping herself lasts for only a painful moment or two before her brain hemorrhages and she ends up face down in the sticky pile of delicious – and deadly – cakes.

Littlefinger (62.26% / 1910 votes) vs Ramsay Bolton (37.74% / 1158 votes)

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Littlefinger sits at his desk, scratching away at a letter with his quill. He seals the letter and places it next to a bag of gold on his desk. After a moment of thought, he replaces the bag with an even larger purse. “Have this sent to the North at once,” he tells a servant. And then he sits back in his chair, tents his fingers, and smiles.

Knights Region

The Mountain (89.7% / 2725 votes) vs Benjen Stark (10.3% / 313 votes)

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The Mountain paces angrily across the courtyard, greatsword clasped in a single meaty hand. The crowd on hand shifts restlessly – it has been an hour since this single combat was supposed to occur. A page pushes his way into the clearing and unrolls a scroll. “Unfortunately,” he says, “Benjen Stark will be unavailable for combat as he is north of the wall ranging.” The Mountain roars and brings his blade down on the page, cleaving the man in two down to the waist.

Brienne (91.3% / 2761 votes) vs Loras (8.7% / 263 votes)

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The two crash together violently in a storm of swords, weapons clanging as they bounce off shield and steel. At first Loras seems to have the upper hand, but soon his sword begins to slow under the weight of his overly adorned armor. Brienne bullies forward and Loras trips over his flowing ermine cloak, bordered with embroidered rubies. “Renly!” she sobs as she puts the point of her blade through his visor. The Knight of Flowers struggles briefly and then is still. Briene leaves the blade protruding from his face and walks sadly from the field. Podrick looks at the sword, sighs, and puts on a pair of gloves.

Jaime (69.13% / 2094 votes) vs Barristan (30.87% / 935 votes)

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“Look!” Sir Jaime says, pointing as best he can with his golden hand. “Enemies of the king, arriving with swords in hand to attack our liege lord!” Barristan squints off into the distance … he doesn’t see as well as he used to. A sudden pain appears in his side. Is his kidney funking out again? Gods, it hurts to pee some mornings. But no, it is Jaime’s sword and Barristan’s vision starts to go dark. “Betrayed!” he whispers. “And how!” says Jaime Lannister, high fiving his sister.

Bronn (81.24% / 2447 votes) vs Jorah Mormont (18.76% / 565 votes)

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Jorah Mormont takes the fight to Bronn, his sword an extension of his arm as he attacks the old mercenary mercilessly. Bronn might be a skilled fighter, but he is a knight. ‘Which is why its so upsetting that Dany doesn’t see me as more than a friend. Why must she always go for the other guy? Why can’t she appreciate all this Jorah sexiness? Just because I’m 53 and she’s like … okay, better not to think on how old Dany is. Argh, what’s this dagger doing in my neck. Oh Gods, he’s killing me. Dany, I love-‘

Warriors Region

Khal Drogo (82.85% / 2474 votes) vs Daario (17.15% / 512 votes)

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“My sun and stars, I am home from the Night Lands!” Khal Drogo says as he enters his khaleesi’s tent, only to find a buck naked Daario spread out on the bed furs. Drogo punches his fist through Daario’s ass and wraps his fingers around the tip of his spine, pulling the column out of Daario’s body as easily as if he were gutting a fish.

Oberyn (69% / 2077 votes) vs Jon Snow (31% / 933 votes)

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“You are a pretty one,” Oberyn purrs as he circles Jon Snow. “Perhaps I will share your corpse with Ellaria once I have slain you.” Jon dashes in with his sword, but has never faced an opponent with a spear as long as Oberyn’s, and it isn’t long before his calves have been hamstrung and he collapses with a grunt into the snow. As it would be foolhardy to drag this mortal combat out, Oberyn drives his spear through Snow’s chest. He never felt the spear thrust … only the cold.

Grey Worm (73.76% / 2195 votes) vs The Hound (73.76% / 2195 votes)

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“Come at me you prickless bastard!” The Hound roars from beneath his dog helm. Grey Worm flows forward, stabbing with his spear but its point cannot penetrate the Hound’s thick mail. Sandor grabs the spear in his gauntlet and cuts the stick in half with one stroke of the sword. His backswing bites deep through Grey Worm’s leathers and sprays blood as it pulls free of the wound. Grey Worm’s arm hangs limp and useless at his side, but still he continues forward. The Hound headbutts him with his hard steel helm and then finishes the fight with a two handed swing of his sword that takes off Grey Worm’s head and a good chunk of his shoulder as well.

Ygritte (89.5% / 2652 votes) vs Locke (10.5% / 311 votes)

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Locke stalks through the forest, seeking out his prey. His father never helped him learn anything about tracking. Never helped him much with anything. By the Gods, he hates that man with a passion. Now he’s on the trail – he can see a path through the bushes up ahead. As he stops to take a closer look, he hears the twang of a bowstring and turns his head just in time to see the Wildling woman who put an arrow in his chest nook another shaft in her bow. “Daddy…” he whispers, as the second shot takes him in the eye.

Round 2 Voting!

Royal Region

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Lords Region

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Knights Region

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Warriors Region

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As you can see, some huge match-ups happening this round including the showdown in the Lords Region between Varys and Littlefinger and Warriors Region’s Khal Drogo vs Oberyn. Less fortunate: the battle of the Starks, with Ned and Arya being forced to fight to the death – it’s a GRRMing of sadistic proportions. Voting is open until noon on Wednesday, March 25, so make sure to vote early and vote often, lest your favorite character(s) suffer the same fate as one Daenerys Targaryen.

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