The Carolina Panthers 2015 Season Preview: Can They Troll Us All Again?

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Last Season: Trolled NFL pundits everywhere by winning the division at 7-8-1 and then winning a playoff game.

Key Acquisitions: Jarrett Boykin (WR), Peanut Tillman (CB), Michael Oher (T), Ted Ginn, Jr. (WR).

Key Losses: Kelvin Benjamin (WR, out for year with ACL tear), Greg Hardy (DE).

The Panthers were the “champions” of the NFC South last year, which basically meant that they were the only hopelessly drunk team in the NFC South that didn’t piss itself (Saints), crap itself (Falcons) or throw up everywhere and ruin the living room (Bucs) at the party.  Then, they stumbled into the alley of the playoffs at 7-8-1 and picked a fight with a cripple (Ryan Lindley and what was left of the Cardinals) and won. Then they sobered up and actually played a good game against the Seahawks, but lost.

There wasn’t much offseason activity to speak of for the Panthers. They didn’t really fix any of their problems. The holes in the offensive line were filled with Michael Oher (better known for winning Sandra Bullock an Oscar than for his play on the field) and Jonathan Martin (better known for running away from Richie Incognito). Of course, Martin then retired due to injuries. They attempted to address their horrific lack of receivers with the mediocre Boykin and draft pick Devin Funchess, but now the pressure is on with the ACL injury of Kelvin Benjamin, so it’s quite possible they might still suck at passing the ball.

The defense should still be stout. The only major loss was Greg Hardy, and he had very little to do with the team last season to begin with. Hardy is a monster talent, but also possibly an actual monster, and this unit is strong enough that his loss shouldn’t be too big.

Coach Ron Rivera earned a coach of the year award two seasons ago, then, last year, saved face by the Panthers final push for the division, but he’s still more or less Schrodinger’s Coach in that no one can say for sure if he’s good or not. Panthers fans are living in a world with a team that has tons of potential, but can’t seem to figure out what to expect. An actual Panthers fan could explain it better than I could, so let’s turn to Panthers fan Brad Mills for an insider perspective.

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Carolina Panthers fan Brad Mills fan perspective:

The Panthers are a miserable millennial hipster.

Ron Rivera is the relationship you just can’t get out of. It’s not bad, but it’s not really great. When things seem like they’re going to collapse, the ship rights just in time to stave off disaster. You’re torn between committing to this, or letting a huge fight happen that will allow you to go your separate way. At the end of the day, you blink and realize you’ve been with this person since 2011, and breaking up will probably be harder to do than staying together. Plus, you’re not even sure what’s yours in the damn apartment you share, and finding a new place will be such a pain in the ass, you might as well just stick it out and see if it turns into something.

The roster itself is your academic and work history. Yeah, there’s some good pieces in there. You’ve got that big college degree everyone is screaming that you need, and even though it might not be as big time as some of the other guys, it’s still pretty good. You can get a job with it. Some really good internships at places that people have heard of. And man, these people should see you set up a swing table. But, at the end of the day, nothing really clicks. Things don’t go as well as you feel like they should. You can’t put your finger on what’s wrong exactly, but every job interview ends with “thanks, we’ll call you,” and the phone never rings. You end up doing contract work, and sometimes you stand out, but, at the end of the day, you’re lost in the shuffle.

Fortunately for the Panthers fan, no one around you is doing much better. Simply not a lot of success to be had in the wasteland that is the NFC South, so you don’t feel like you’re doing too bad, all things considered. It’s almost fall, the beer will be cold and the BBQ will be hot, and you’re coming off back to back division championships. You’re probably going to do it again. Sure, it’s not the most impressive division to win, but it will give you something to tell your parents and keep them hopeful when they come down and buy you dinner again and stock your fridge.

Nine or 10 wins, NFC South “crown,” maybe a playoff win, and no one will remember a thing. Deep down, you know this isn’t what you want, but the thought of taking out a bunch of loans and going back to school is just too daunting. You can’t spend three years rebuilding your life. Plus, you’d have to move in with your parents, and good god your almost 30.

It’s cool, though. You can head to the bar with your buddy, the Cincinnati Bengals, and talk about that new Jamie xx album, or that website idea you’ve guys have been kicking around.

I’ll take a Tecate. He’ll take a PBR. What’s your food special?

At the very least, they still have Fat Mike Tolbert, who is my favorite back in the NFL to watch, because he looks like an offensive lineman ate a hippo, but still runs with the grace of a ballerina.

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