Hey fight fans. We’ve got a decent-enough card this weekend, as UFC Fight Night 73 is live from Nashville, starting with Fight Pass prelims at 6:30 PM ET on Saturday. We are getting right into the predictions, so let’s find out who wins!
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 463-315-4 (59%)
Burnsy: 470-295-5 (61%)
Vince: 223-142-2 (61%)
Ryan: 10-5-1 (66%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 81-60-2 (57%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 44-15-2 (74%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 32-15 (68%)
Biss: 41-39-1 (51%)
Jared: 96-54-1 (64%)
Melanie: 38-18 (68%)
Fake Mike Goldberg: 5-8 (38%)
Lightweight – Scott “Hot Sauce” Holtzman vs Anthony Christodoulou
Jessica: Oh man, Scott Holtz versus DouLou ThroDo 2K15! I’m going with Tony Chris because I feel he’s got more experience fighting tough dudes. Christodoulou wins by decision.
Burnsy: I think my least favorite commercial on television might be the hot sauce commercial where the old lady says, “I put that sh*t on everything.” Or maybe it’s the American Standard toilet commercial where the old lady pops her head out of the toilet. Why are commercials so weird and annoying lately? Anyway, Scott Holtzman sounds like the name of a guy I went to high school with and got in trouble for lighting bottle rockets out of his butt crack. I respect that. Hot Sauce wins.
Goldy: Holtzmans NickName Is HotSauce Which Reminds Me Of Future UFC Hall Of Famer Trevor Smith. Hes Gonna Tweak That Greek Freak. Pick: Holtzman
Bantamweight – Marlon “Chito” Vera vs Roman “El Gallito” Salazar
Jessica: Roman Salazar is totally the name of a villain from a C-level action movie. He might be in cahoots with Hans Stringer, I’m not sure. Vera is a veteran of Inka Fighting Championships, but never was on one of the amazing cards, like “All Against Pedophilia” or “Say No To Drugs, Yes To Sports” or whatever. That’s a hit against him. Salazar takes this with a decision.
Burnsy: Neither of these guys is off to the hottest start in their UFC careers, as they’ve both lost their debut fights and Salazar’s second ended because of an eye poke. I’ll give him the win here, though, because he has to be frustrated with that nonsense.
Goldy: Marlon Vera Is Like A Mix Of Marlon Wayans And Brandon Vera And You Can Only Fucking Imagine How Badass THat Is. I Also Call Him The Ecuadorian Kenny Florian Bcause It Rhymes. Pick: Vera
Light Heavyweight – Chris Dempsey vs Jonathan “Johnny Bravo” Wilson
Jessica: Johnny Bravo is a solid nickname, but dude has exclusively fought scrubs. I’m taking Dempsey to win by decision.
Burnsy: I’ll take Johnny Bravo to get a win in his UFC debut. I don’t have a reason for that. I don’t need one either.
Goldy: Chrus Dumpsey Looking To Follow Up His Extremely Dominant Decision Over Truck Gorgon By Moving Up To 205 And Putting A Scare In Dank Ormier’s Heart. I Think He Does It. Pick: Dempsey
Bantamweight – Frankie Saenz vs Sirwan “Zohan” Kakai
Jessica: Last time I messed with the Zohan, I paid for it. However, Saenz has a slightly better resume, with a recent win over Iuri Alcantara. I’m taking Frankie to win by second round TKO.
Burnsy: I can’t pick against Saenz when he’s off to a 2-0 start in the UFC. When a guy’s hot, you gotta expect he’ll catch fire.
Goldy: Signs Vs Cockeye Is A Great Bantamwar. Kaka’s Nickname Is “The Zohan” Which Means He’s A Fan Of Supremely Good Adam Sandler Films Which Earns My Respect, But Ultimately I See Saenz Swinging AWay To A Victory. Pick: Saenz
Flyweight – Dustin Ortiz vs Willie “Whoop Ass” Gates
Jessica: I guess, but c’mon, he’s fighting WHOOP ASS. There are very few people in the UFC I will pick over WHOOP ASS, and Ortiz isn’t one of them. Lil Bill Gates wins with a third round TKO.
Burnsy: Whoop Ass made up for getting his ass whooped in his UFC debut with a great win at the TUF 21 finale in July. Dustin Ortiz is a tricky one, though, because I never remember who he is until I see him, and then I’m like, “Oh yeah, that dude.” Except, I can’t tell you anything about his fight past without looking it up. He’s just a guy who fights. This is a coin flip for me, really, so I’ll take Ortiz just to make things interesting.
Goldy: How The Heck Do You THink I Can Pick Against A Guy Named Willie Whoopass. Even If He Is Fighting Tito Ortiz’z Son. Pick: Gates
Middleweight – Chris Camozzi vs Tom “Kong” Watson
Jessica: Wait, both of these guys are still around? And I can’t pick Cortland Finnegan to swoop in and punch both of them in the face? Ugh, fine, I’ll go with Watson by decision.
Burnsy: Kong has lost three of his last four, and the one he won was against Sam Alvey, who is basically my favorite fighter in the world right now. So that’s a huge strike against Watson. HOWEVER, how the f*ck is Camozzi still in the UFC? The dude rattled off four losses in a row to get his pink slip, so he went to something called Fight to Win and beat up two random Glass Joes before answering the call from the UFC to replace Yoel Romero against Ronaldo Souza at UFC on Fox 15 in April. I guess that gesture (and almost having his arm snapped in half) earned him another fight, and this one really is the definition of a free fight. Whatever, a fight’s a fight and Camozzi will continue to lose because he refuses to listen to us and use “Hot Stepper” as his walk-out music.
Goldy: Chris Cariaso Gave Jacare Fits In His Epic Return TO The Octagon, But This Time I Think It Will Be Elementary For Dear Watson On Saturday Nite. Pick: Watson
Middleweight – Uriah “Prime Time” Hall vs Oluwale “Holy War Angel” Bamgbose
Jessica: Is this the fight that Uriah Hall finally puts it all together and shows the spark he had on TUF, you guys??? Nah, probably not. I mean, I imagine he beats Oluwale, but his stint on TUF was a perfect storm of fighting kinda bad opponents and having Chael P constantly screaming at him to put hands on dudes. That being said, I’m going counter to my earlier “he should win” logic and say that Bamgbose takes this. Why? He’s got BAM in his name! And it’s almost Bam-Goose, which is rad as heck. Oluwale wins by first round KO.
Burnsy: Hall’s going to win this, but it won’t be exciting or even remotely convincing, and yet when it’s over people will keep talking about how this star is on the rise. Lame.
Goldy: Urethra Haul Vs Alawala Bambagogo Is A Fight Between Two Extremely Athletic ANd Explosive Athletes. Both Of These Dudes Came Out Of The Womb Ready To Hit You With Something That Will Make You Take A Damn Dirt Nap. Ultimately Though Even Thoguh Hall Was On TUF I Have To Pick Bambigoose To Win. Pick : Babadook
Flyweight – Ray “The Tazmexican Devil” Borg vs Geane “La Pulga” Herrera
Jessica: Borg is a pretty good dude, plus he’s already beaten a dude named Gene, so one named Geane shouldn’t be that difficult. Also, Herrera’s had some crappy opponents. Borg wins with a second round submission.
Burnsy: Borg is just getting better and better through three UFC fights (2-1), so I assume he’ll take this one easily. I have no clue who La Pulga is, so my ignorance hurts his chances.
Goldy: Gean Herera Seems Cool But Ray Borg Is Short For Ray Cyborg And Unlike The Other Cyborg I Don’t Think This Guy Spends His Time Juicing And Avoiding Ronda Rousey On A Daily Freakin Basis So I Think He COmes Up With The Duke, And I Aint Talkin Jessamyn BOys. Pick: Borg
Bantamweight – Sara McMann vs Amanda “Lioness of the Ring” Nunes
Jessica: This is a pretty interesting matchup to me. McMann is a very good wrestler, while Nunes has good BJJ and decent striking. However, Nunes doesn’t have much of a gas tank, so if the fight goes past the first round, I don’t like her chances. That being said, Nunes is scary when she starts to swarm her opponents. I see Nunes landing a solid punch and then throwing a billion follow ups. Nunes wins by first round TKO.
Melanie: I was all ready to rant — again — about Sara McMann and Amanda Nunes being taken off the main card and tossed to the prelims, but they have been put back on the main card, so yay! However, why were two Top 10 women taken off the main card in the first place? They were even on the poster. Ugh. UFC.
Anyway, what a good fight this should be, and I think it’s basically too close to call, but I’ll give McMann the edge for two reasons: one, her ground game is just so spectacular, and her striking should be adequate against Nunes, as good as Nunes is. Two, I really want to see McMann in a rematch with Ronda Rousey. The 1:06 stoppage in their fight was IMO premature at best and bogus at worst. I think McMann will still lose, but Rousey can’t toss her around, and McMann’s striking is better than Rousey, no matter what the RR fanboys and girls say. McMann by decision.
Burnsy: I’m picking McMann just because she’s not afraid to say what we’re all thinking about Rousey-Tate 3. Specifically, WHY??? WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH THIS AGAIN??? Do something fun, like make Rousey fight two women at once. Or the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion. Just stop trying to make Miesha Tate happen. Her nickname might as well be Fetch.
Goldy: Lets Face It, The Refs Stoppage In The McMahon Vs Rousey Fight Was Total Horseshit. McMann Was About To Hit A Take Down After Getting Hit In THe Guttyworks And Then She Would Have Probably TKOd Rousey On The Ground Immediately Afterwards. Unfortunately I Think The Brazilian Bombshell Bruising Broad Will Make Sure McMahon Has No Chance In Hell. Pick: Nunes
Heavyweight – Jared “Big Show” Rosholt vs Timothy Johnson
Jessica: BEEF BOYZ IN THE HOUSE! Big Time Timmy John has an outstanding mustache, and in a division as bad as heavyweight, sometimes that’s enough to carry a guy up a few rungs. I think he’ll put some fists into Rosholt’s face and make Jared topple with a second round KO.
Burnsy: Timothy Johnson looks like Tom Hardy as Bronson. I won’t pick against that.
Goldy: Jared Roshold Looks Sorta Like Chris Pratt, But This GUy Doesnt Have To Fight Dinos Or Aliens, He Has TO Fight A Mean Mustachioed Man And Thats A Lot Scarier Of A Prospect. I Dont THink He Passes The Test And He Goes For A Mustache Ride. Winner: Johnson
Middleweight – Derek Brunson vs “Smile’N” Sam Alvey
Jessica: I’m all in on Smile N Sam to give Brunson a bad beat and fold him in half with a straight, flush hand in front of a full house. Alvey will be aces when he puts a pair of fists on Brunson and jacks his jaw. Brunson will flop on the mat in the second round. Wait, this is Derek Brunson and not poker legend Doyle Brunson? GOD DAMN IT.
Burnsy: SPEAKING OF! Alvey will win, but only because he NEEDS to win. Hell, the UFC needs him to win. He’s one of the best personalities and most charismatic fighters that nobody is talking about, and the best part about it all is that he’s not a douchebag. He actually seems like a fun bro who just wants to kick a little ass, and that’s simply wonderful.
Goldy: Smiling Sam Alves Has The Best Fight Strategy Which Is Dont Throw A Punch Until You Know It Will Knock The Other Guy Out. However Brunson Fights Mean Exctiement Always And He Wipes The Smiles Off Sams Mug In The MusicTown. Winner: Brunson
Lightweight – Michael “The Menace” Johnson vs Beneil “Benny” Dariush
Jessica: Oh boy, Mikey Johnson. Dude seems to be perenially inconsistent, which I guess makes more sense than him being annually inconsistent (Because that’s what people come here for, flower jokes!). I’m always underestimating Dariush, and it’s pretty much because of that Ramsey Nijem loss. Whatever, Mikey will wrestle-box his way to a decision.
Burnsy: I’ve been told I’m not allowed to “Bohemian Rhapsody” Dariush again, because Vince “I’m Too Cool for Live Discussions” Mancini thinks he’s the first person who ever made that connection. Whatever, broseph. Now what’s interesting here is that we have a very understated battle of two fighters on four-win streaks. That should mean we’re in for a good one. I’ll take Dariush for no reason other than his name is fun to shout before I do the FAN-DAN-GO. Shut up, Mancini.
Goldy: Michael Jordan Has Proven To Be The Toni Kukoc Of The Lightweight Division, But I Feel LIke Benny TheDouche Is On Too Big Of A Tear Especially Since He Trains With Kings MMA Which Means He Trains With Every King Of Pancrase Ever. Pretty Cool Stuff. Winner: Darish
Light Heavyweight – Glover Teixeira vs Ovince “OSP” St. Preux
Jessica: I became a fan of OSP way back in StrikeForce after he won a fight, took another on short notice, won that, and took yet another on short notice and won that one. He had 3 decision wins in the span of like a month and a half. Plus, he also knocks dudes out and does the Q-Dogg Bark. Glover’s not bad, but I simply don’t find him as charming as Ovince. If you want HARD HITTING TECHNICAL ANALYSIS, I think OSP is stronger, and while I’ve seen some folks talk about Glover being a better technical striker, he does tend to wing hooks, plus that little bit of business Ovince did for his Rua knockout was dadgum great. St. Preux wins by second round KO. ARUH-ARUH-ARUH.
Burnsy: Since that incredibly disappointing performance (and loss) against Ryan Bader, OSP has been trying to knock his opponents’ heads off. Two first round KOs in a row. Teixeira, on the other hand, made Bader look foolish when they fought before going on to lose to UDs to former champ and current hot mess Jon Jones and then Phil Davis. I think what this fight comes down to is Glover avoiding OSP’s cinder block hands. I don’t feel confident in this pick at all, but I think Teixeira makes this a strategic (and therefore boring) fight of control, going the distance again and wearing OSP down at every turn.
Goldy: OSP Has Proven To Be Way Less Of A Fraud Than GSP Especially Because He Never Talks Abotu Drug Testing. Although If He Did He Would Probably Say Drug Tethting. Irregardless I Think The Former Vol Has The Balls To Win It All In Nashvall. Winner: OSP
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Bamgbose, Nunes
Burnsy: Alvey, McMann
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Ortiz vs Gates
Burnsy: Johnson vs Dariush