15 Surefire, Totally Serious Ways The Eagles Can Save Their Season

The Eagles are off to a bad start. That might be an understatement to some, considering the hype that surrounded the Eagles this season after Chip Kelly went full mad scientist and jettisoned every legacy player from the roster, splitting the fanbase into two camps: The Pessimists, who are convinced Chip is a madman hack job from college ball who never should have been given full personnel control and has doomed the Eagles to mediocrity at best, and the Kool-aid Optimists, those who just sat back and said, “Screw it man, blow it all up, lets ride this gravy train to the end of the line I am all in motherf*ckers *toot toot*, Chip Kelly is a genius working on a whole different level.”

So far it’s been the former group that’s experienced vindication. The vaunted offense has produced nothing of value. The O-line is 5 separate nightmares unable to become a full nightmare. They have no wide receivers. The big name FA running back has “worse than Trent Richardson” stats. Sam Bradford went from no o-line and bad receivers in St. Louis to no o-line and bad receivers in Philly, and is playing like crap. The defense hasn’t fared that much better. Kiko Alonso is already hurt (so much for those protein shakes). QBs have a perfect rating when throwing against big name pickup Byron Maxwell. Trent Cole is gone. Remember that guy they drafted in the first round last year? Marcus Smith? Did you say “who”? Exactly.

But keep those batteries palmed, because it’s only Week 2. You don’t want to waste your best D-cell in Week 2, you gotta save that sucker for when it matters. Here are a few ways the Eagles can save their heads from pelting.

1. Score more points than the other team
This should be obvious but you can’t win football games with less points than the other team. Maybe that worked in college, Chip, but this is the NFL. You need more points, not fancy offensive schemes dedicated to causing 3 and outs, no matter how revolutionary it is.

2. Play better
The players are playing badly. You can’t win games like that. Tell the players to stop playing badly and start playing good. It’s that simple, I don’t understand why coaches fail at this repeatedly.

3. Bring in Trent Richardson
Trent Richardson sucks, but he was very reliable for those 1-yard fall downs. Ten 1-yard fall downs would be a better YPC average than Murray has. Clearly Richardson is an upgrade.

4. Bring back Tebow
If you listen to Tebow’s fanbase you’d know that all Tebow does is win. It doesn’t matter that he can’t read a defense, or throw accurately, or make good decisions, or win games without a good defense to bail out his bad play, but that doesn’t matter. He won some games against mediocre teams in Denver four years ago so he’s obviously a future Hall of Famer. So bring him back in and all of those things he can’t do well will magically not matter! Also, it’ll keep ticket sales high.

5. Start Sanchez
Some people think this is actually a good idea already because Bradford is playing bad, as if Sanchez will somehow make the o-line not suck and his receivers not Riley Cooper. So why not start him and let him do his thing for a couple of games to remind the fans that it could be so much worse, then put Bradford back in so everyone rallies around him and finally wins some games.

6. Build a time machine and slap Chip Kelly before he makes a bad personnel choice
“You want to trade the beloved franchise running back for a linebacker coming off an ACL tear?” SLAP
“You want to let our only good WR walk to KC?” SLAP
“You want to trade the QB who already showed he has potential to be a star to St. Louis for their broken shell of a cabbage patch kid with no knees?” SLAP
“You want to cut Mathis, Cole, and Herrimans and just leave the rest of our lines to chance?” SLAP
“You want to mortgage the farm for Mariota? Well actually that’s a good idea and might just work perfectly and WHAT YOU DIDN’T DO IT?” SLAP

7. Bring back Taco Tuesdays
Andy Reid was a famous players coach and did not force stupid health shakes (probably full of kale) into his players’ bodies. He let them eat tacos. He also made four straight Championship games. Chip Kelly has lost once in the wildcard round. Tacos > Smoothies, can’t argue with the science.

8. Cheat
Do all sorts of illegal activities. Then just blame it on the Patriots to distract the media because, as we all know, it’s the Patriots who are the real cheaters.

9. Use knives
Are knives against the rules? Is there a rule that explicitly prevents knives in the NFL? Hell no. Stab some suckers. Can’t hold onto the ball with half your wrist ligaments detached can you?

10. Use Guns
The NFL is a copycat league, once you win a few games by knifing everyone, everyone will start using knives. It’s time to innovate and bring guns to a knife fight.

11. Swap uniforms with the other team
Then play really badly, the “Eagles” will go all the way to the Super Bowl! Hooray!

12. Make bets with the other team before the game
Other QB scare you? Go up to him and bet him that if he wins, you get to have sex with his mother. If you win, he gets to have sex with your mother. Joke’s on him, your mom is dead.

13. Build your own papier-mâché Lombardi Trophy
Hang it in your living room, nobody will know the difference. Get Arts and Crafts Tony Romo to do it, he’s already made himself 5 since he’ll never win one either.

14. Personally burn down Draft Kings and Fanduel headquarters
It won’t help you win games but it’ll make the rest of us love you.

15. Start players who are playing against you in real life in your Fantasy league
That way once Matt Ryan and Julio Jones burn you, at least you get sweet fantasy points and win something.

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