Girls on the Internet have had a tough August.
Earlier this month, UK tabloid The Sun reportedly showed Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton a photo of teen boy-band sensation One Direction and asked her to pick out which member she thought was the cutest. If you’re unfamiliar with the group (or their hits “One Thing” and “What Makes You Beautiful”), they’re five teenagers with attitude formed a la the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on the seventh season of the British version of ‘The X Factor’. Imagine the Spice Girls if they were boys, and all five of them were Baby Spice. Kate apparently pointed out band member Harry Styles, which instantly caused rumors that she had a crush on him and planned to hook up with him at the MTV Video Music Awards. I don’t know.
Anyway, the rumors were squashed, but with the VMAs only a week away (they air on September 6), radio hosts like Ryan Seacrest are bringing them up again. If you felt a rumbling yesterday afternoon, don’t be alarmed — it was only One Direction’s six-million-plus Twitter followers FREAKING THE F**K OUT because their confrontational sexual armageddon is nigh. One Direction Kate Upton rumors are their horsemen.
It’s a nice mixture of girls pretending they’ve never heard of Kate Upton, girls feeling shamed and insignificant because America’s closest living equivalent to Jessica Rabbit is competing for the same guy as them, a metric ton of name-calling and good old fashioned death threats. I’ve compiled a few of my favorites, and I hope you enjoy them. Well, “enjoy” is probably the wrong word.
There’s an order to these things, Ryan!
Directioners? That’s a funny name. I would’ve called them ‘One-Offs’.
This is one of my favorites, because it’s followed by this:
I’d like to think she made her Twitter name “no” as a constant reminder to herself.
This is one of the few, straight-forward, Selena-esque threats to the One Direction guy instead of Kate.
Some of them leave it to your imagination.
Yes, lady, “not being a model” is the only reason a guy from a band you like wouldn’t date you. The only one.
Suicide threat #1.
This is like its own little novella.
might have to spam
jk but wow,
You’re always the voice of reason, “faggotcurls”.
Suicide threat #2.
I’m guessing she’s using “baby” like “boyfriend” and not “baby” like “baby”, but with these people, you never know.
It seems important to note here that almost every one of these people had a One Direction stock photo as their Twitter background, so I lost track of who was making murder threats and who was making a wall FULL of murder threats.
These girls finding out Kate Upton exists must be like Nite Owl I finding out Dr. Manhattan exists.
This is the first time I’ve read both “Kate Upton” and “my asshole” in a sentence meaning “bad”.
Suicide threat #3. I should probably stop counting.
I didn’t cry when I found out Kate Upton was dating Justin Verlander, I mostly just thought “wow, I wish I was Justin Verlander”.
Listen to fab sadie lol, Harry, that gorgeous young popular model with boobs the size of your head is not your type, she knows you better than you know yourself.
Writing the first 9 episodes of ‘My Potato Life’ as we speak.
To be continued, I guess.
She came up with a trending hashtag, is crying because two celebrities have exchanged text messages and is blaming the radio station she heard the news on for a singer she likes considering hooking up with a model he could probably nail in this one year of popularity in his life. #priorities
Suicide threat #4, I think?
Suddenly, the Earth’s population dropped to 45.
You know you’re lazy when you outsource your death threats.
Gonna take a wild guess and say your confidence died a long time before yesterday afternoon.
SMDH, am I right, guys?
WHALE WHALE WHALE
And what does Kate think of all this, you may ask?
If I was Kate Upton, my response would be “brb, rubbing my gorgeous tits in that British child’s face”.