This video of a sea otter dunking a tiny orange ball is taking the Internet by storm this afternoon. As it should. After all, it is a video of a sea otter dunking a basketball. This is why the Internet was invented (probably). But I’m sure many of you watched it and said to yourselves “Holdonholdonholdon. I have some questions about all of this.” Well luckily, I, the UPROXX Senior Dunks and 90s R&B Correspondent, am here to walk you through it.
Please, fire away.
So… is this awesome?
It is. I mean, they trained a geriatric sea otter to dunk a basketball as a way to alleviate the pain and stiffness of arthritis. I don’t see how it could get any more awesome.
He could do a 360.
Well, yeah. I guess. But you’re kind of missing the point here.
What? It wouldn’t even be that hard. Just have him spin around once on the way up.
Okay, but I think the real message here is-
Or, like, a reverse dunk. He could do a reverse dunk, I bet. Remember that sick one Harold Miner did the one time?
I want to see an otter do that dunk.
You know what? I don’t think an otter could do a between the legs dunk. Their arms are too stubby and short. But they could probably do that dunk Dee Brown did where he covered his eyes with his arm.
I imagine they coul-
Hey, do you think an otter could catch an alley-oop?
I … I think so.
Then why doesn’t he do one in the video?
That’s not really the point her-
I bet they didn’t even try. This is bullsh-t. F-cking aquariums.
Okay, settle down. We’re getting wildly off course here. And, for the record, it wasn’t an aquarium. They shot the video at a zoo.
Look, if you’re going to act like this, I’m just going to leave.
Okay. Okayokayokay. I’m sorry. Here’s a serious question: They said this is a geriatric otter, right?
You know how people say “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”?
Well they taught this old-ass otter to dunk a basketball, so maybe dogs should get their sh-t together.
What? I’m serious! Maybe dogs heard that Man’s Best Friend thing too many times and now they’re all like, “Eh, f-ck it. I could learn some new tricks. I just don’t want to. These dumb humans are just going to keep feeding me anyway, whether I learn new tricks or not. I’m taking it easy.” And you know what? THAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH THE WHOLE COUNTRY THESE DAYS. Buncha lazy people sitting around like dogs when they should be out there dunking like otters. Makes me sick.
[gets up to leave]
HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I’m sorry! Here, wait. I have an actual question.
You better be serious.
I am. I promise. So let’s say this trainer got a bunch of other geriatric otters, right?
And let’s say she trained them all not only to dunk, but also to pass, and shoot, and defend…
And let’s say they practiced in secret for like six months — with a dolphin as their coach, because dolphins are smart — and they got really good…
Like, REALLY good…
Do you think this team of geriatric dunking otters, coached by a dolphin with a whistle and clipboard and everything, could beat the Philadelphia 76ers?
Then why haven’t they done it yet?!
You know what? That’s an excellent question.
F-cking zoos, sitting around like dumb dogs.
Yeah. F-cking zoos.