Baseball is Boring: I Read About All This Stuff On My Phone

By: 05.02.11  •  5 Comments

I promise that I want to get something up on the site today that isn’t a weekend recap or a picture of Osama Bin Laden with OBAMA’D in big white letters at the bottom, but today is officially Did You Hear About Osama Day in America. Maybe if I was blogging from Kenya I could report futbol news and a funny video of a busty lady tripping and falling down while crossing the veldt, but no, baseball happened and then we killed a guy.

This week’s Baseball is Boring takes a xenophobic approach to the national pastime, wherein I resort to a combination of CTRL+X and CTRL+V for my USA chants and question the authenticity of Jose Bautista’s birth certificate. I’m sorry, his steroids certificate.

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It’s Always Patriotic in Phialdelphia

The big baseball news of the day is the outpouring of patriotism during the Phillies/Mets game on Sunday night, when the crowd (who I guess had been looking at their phones a lot) found out about Bin Laden’s capture-sassination and started chanting U-S-A. You could feel the electricity spreading in the stadium, and a guy in a USA jersey has become an image of American pride, the kind of pride that needs to have its head covered but thinks he looks cooler with the sun in his eyes. Note: if you are old enough to have facial hair, you are old enough to properly wear your hat.

For one sweet evening, the battery-chucking, child-vomiting, dog-murderer-idolizing, violently-tazed drunken assholes of Philadelphia came together to celebrate a guy being bombed in the face and became America’s sweethearts. It was the closest I came to feeling kinship with a bunch of jerks since Yankees fans sang “New York, New York” when they didn’t have to. Baseball is America, for better or worse, and I love it so.

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