Sound the sirens of panic ladies and gentlemen, because the god amongst men sent down by the heavens to throw 100 MPH fastballs coupled with an assortment of earth-bending off-speed pitches for the Washington Nationals (and my fantasy team) was scratched from his start last night after he struggled to get loose during his warmups in the bullpen. According to reports, he was shut down by Nationals management after they noticed him ‘grimace’ after one of his tosses, which is ridiculous because a grimace could just be his reaction to how nasty his pitches are, such as, “Ooh man, that thing is SIZZLING. I could use my fastball to perform an emergency lobotomy on somebody today. Maybe I’ll try it on Adam Dunn, I don’t think anybody’d notice.”
Stephen Strasburg’s warmup session in the bullpen had lasted about a half-dozen tosses when Nationals pitching coach Steve McCatty approached the star rookie with a simple question.
“I just said, ‘Well, how’re you feeling?’ He said, ‘I feel stiff. My shoulder’s stiff,”’ McCatty recounted. “I said, ‘How bad?’ He said, ‘It’s just stiff, but I can get loose.’ I said, ‘Uh, no.’ And that was it,”
“Stephen was having trouble getting loose in the bullpen, and so I pulled the plug on it,” Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo said, adding that he considered it a “precautionary move.”
“There’s no shooting pains or anything like that in his shoulder or elbow,” Rizzo said. -YAHOO! Sports
An MRI was performed by Nationals doctors and as luck would have it no structural damage was found, but this news isn’t going to appease the angry sold out crowd of 40,000+ at Nationals Park who came to see Strasburg and ended up having to stare at 88 MPH Miguel Batista pitches all night. Sure, Batista threw a shutout but who cares about that when the alternative was to be mind-dazzled by an array of pitches that could make Chipper Jones give expressions like that of a puppy dog thrown into an ice bath. Refunds for all, I say!
When the announced sellout crowd of 40,043 was told of the change in pitchers from Strasburg to Batista, fans responded with boos. They booed some more when a longer explanation was delivered before the third inning.
“Imagine if you go there to see Miss Universe,” Batista said, “and you end up having Miss Iowa.”
Oh, come on Miguel, let’s get serious here. If you did ANY research into this matter like I have, you’ll realize that a Miss Iowa is still ridiculously good looking. Let me fix that analogy for you. Imagine if you go there to see Miss Universe and you end up having to stare at a fleet of female Dunkin Donuts employees. There you go.
Anyway, if I were the Nationals I’d treat Strasburg like no other player in major league history. They’re already going to limit his innings, so why not just have him pitch exclusively at home to maximize attendance numbers? Why give other stadiums the opportunity for sell-outs when you control when he starts? This’ll really screw up his routine but, ah, who cares about details, there’s money to be made! The Nationals should also have Limp Bizkit on call just in case Strasburg has to miss another start so they can stage their public execution because the slaying of Limp Bizkit is the only logical replacement I could think of for a Stephen Strasburg start. I’m sure they’re fine with it, as they have nothing better to do.