A lot of times when talking about shows like Breaking Bad or Dexter or Eastbound & Down, we really need to remind ourselves that the lead characters that we’ve grown to love for what they are really don’t deserve our love. They’re horrible, awful characters that deserve the most rotten of endings, but we find them endearing and we attach ourselves to them on an emotional level because they’re flawed like us. Except, these flaws aren’t like ours at all, unless you are actually meth kingpins, serial killers or washed up, racist, sexist, homophobic, sociopathic baseball pitchers. In which case, we’re glad to have you as part of the UPROXX family.
Chapter 26 of Eastbound & Down was my reminder that Kenny Powers is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve an ounce of compassion for anything that he does. I downright loathed him in this episode, as I imagine that was the point.
Nobody Gives A Crap About Your Pool, Kenny
If anything, Kenny’s little rant about how awesome he is for building a pool is a reminder that he broke up a perfectly good marriage between Gene and Daisy. Granted, they’re two of the most vanilla people on this planet and that made them borderline unbearable (except for the fact that they’re played by Tim Heidecker and Jillian Bell, whom we love), but Kenny ruined their marriage with an awful lie. But add to the fact that he mocked his wife and brother in front of all of their friends, and Kenny’s taking the shitheadedness to a whole new level through this fifth episode.
Honestly, I wanted someone to piss in his pool.
But It Doesn’t End There With April
So how do you make it up to your wife after you tell everyone she loves that her success made you miserable? Treat her like a whore by throwing money at her. Yes, I giggled when Kenny invoked the spirit of Rick Ross, but come on. April deserves a little better here. There are three episodes left in this season (and presumably series) and I really want her to lay down the thunder and give me a little power a la Tara Teller from Sons of Anarchy (another show full of characters that we should cheer as they each meet their demise).
Oh What I Wanted To See That Assault Rifle Do
If there’s a character on this season of Eastbound & Down for us to respect and admire, it’s Kenny’s poor brother. Of all of the awkward, eye-covering scenes that this show has given us through 26 episodes, Kenny trying to buy his brother’s love back might have been the hardest to watch. I loved that he cracked long enough to admit that he has problems with apologies and doing what’s right – in fact, loved seeing the armor shatter for a moment – but then he went right back to shitting on his own blood as soon as Guy Young texted him.
I’m not a violent man, but I wouldn’t have minded if Dustin took a quit swing at Kenny’s throat with the butt of that rifle. Seriously, my blood was boiling through that scene.
We All See The Two Trains About To Collide
As I’ve written several times throughout this season, it’s almost impossible to predict the writing on a good comedy show. I could be in a coma for two decades, suddenly snap out of it and probably predict what’s going to happen on a Chuck Lorre sitcom, but Eastdown? It’s not even worth it to try. That said, I honestly thought that the two rams, Kenny and Guy Young, would lock horns much sooner and Kenny’s demise would be more focused on how his antics were affecting his personal relationships and/or finances.
But here we are, with Kenny and Guy still tap dancing around their alpha male conflict. It’s remarkable, too, that Guy is also such a worthless schmuck, but his entire childish rant at Kenny was right. Guy has earned his open water jet pack. Kenny has not. But Kenny will never, ever recognize that.
I loved watching Guy Young talk about the jet pack, though.
Nobody’s Getting Through To This Guy
While it wasn’t as awkward as the scene with Dustin, Kenny’s “date night” with April was equally awful. Granted, it’s important to point out that this isn’t my indictment of the show and this season. I still love everything that’s happening, despite the fact that I want to see very bad things happen to Kenny. If anything, the writers are doing an incredible job of reminding us that we’re supposed to loathe Kenny Powers because of the way he keeps throwing money at people as if it’s a Band-Aid.
The moral of the story is clearly that Kenny cannot buy the people that matter most, but he’d still rather ignore that and get coked up at the opera. Leave him and come live with me, April.
I wouldn’t have minded if one of the old people next to Kenny tried to slap him. He deserved it.
Stevie’s Gone From Suck To Blow
First thing’s first – look at this mother*cker. LOOK AT HIM. If I had to name an MVP of this season of Eastbound thus far, it’s Stevie Janowski hands down. Steve Little has been incredible in bringing this character from the bowels of hell to another area of hell that’s equally as bad, but totally misguided and depraved.
Kenny’s grand new plan is that he wants to open his own chain of restaurants, and like the screenplay, I could have watched a whole season of Kenny and Stevie trying to bring a breastaurant to life. But if he’s trying to get me excited about chicken wings and meals with “bacon tits” on them, I’m gonna need to see less of Stevie checking his wife’s oil. Again, that’s my MVP, but fingering the 2-hole? Cut it out, bro.
I want this restaurant to be real, if only so I can eat there before Hulk Hogan’s stupid place.
Guy’s Demand Is Clearly Taking Its Toll On Kenny
This was my favorite, most random scene of this episode. I wish that, had Kenny been written as a better character (one that we should actually love), we could see him go off on adventures with his robot friend. Yet here I am, wishing that he’d accidentally take it into the new pool with him.
(Caps via)
Kenny Was Never Meant To Be A Scottie Pippen
STEVIE IS RIGHT, KENNY! LISTEN TO STEVIE AND WE CAN ALL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!!! If Kenny would just take a few steps back and earn his place by Guy’s side, he could have everything that he’s ever wanted for as long as the American public is willing to listen to a bunch of arrogant former jocks talk about their stupid opinions on sports. (On the reals, I hope the American public is getting tired of that right now. If this season has been anything, it has been a remarkable example of how awful sports talks TV truly is.)
(Caps via)
He Just Won’t Learn
We can scream at our TVs all we want, but Kenny won’t listen to anyone but himself. That’s gonna cost him the show, and probably April.
Three episodes to go.
On The Next Eastbound & Down: April’s approaching her tipping point, as is Guy. Kenny’s heading back to rock bottom, but Stevie’s the only person he’s taking with him. Also, we better see some more of that wolf and less butt crack fingering.
