Hey friends! It’s Impact time again! I can breathe through my nose and also speak again! Canada has fully asserted their curling dominance over the world! It’s a good day! First things first:
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This week on Impact: Oh jeez, we’re STILL in England? Sigh. Okay. I’ll put the kettle on.
Worst: Last week I was utterly incapacitated so we missed some stuff, or Best: Last week I was incapacitated, and look what we missed!
As we continue our deathmarch through the UK tour, we’re actually getting an unreasonable amount of storyline progression. Not all of it is…super great, but it’s happening, and we should take the positives where we can get them. Lord knows we’re not going to get them in the Bully Ray-Anderson casket match.
The good news is that Sam Shaw agrees that he and Christy should keep it as professional as they can when one of them has a creepy jerk-off mannequin of the other. The bad news is that no one is concerned about this in any way. The good news is that holy jeepers that coat is amazing. The bad news is that Sam Shaw does not make Yankee Candle Kid-style videos about how Christy’s hand smells. I bet she’s got great scent throw.
Bobby Roode got all mad, and then had to be escorted out by security, because if you’re Kurt Angle or Samoa Joe you can run around making threats of extreme physical violence or even death on your internationally televised wrestling show, but raise your voice once and whoops better call security on the guy who’s now totally calm and actually kinda justified in being a little peeved. ‘kay.
Gunner stole EC3’s briefcase because he’s a jerk. Magnus was of no help because he’s also a jerk. EC3 and Magnus had words which were intense but you can’t see them because whomever is in charge of TNA’s YouTube channel is a jerk. I will never not laugh at this scene from The Jerk.
The BroMans faced Team Girl Scout Cookie; you know, a Samoa and two of the most vanilla cookie-cutter wrestlers you could hope for.
For your own personal reference, in this cookie/TNA universe DJ Zema is a Tagalong, and Norv is a Thin Mint. EC3 is a Lemon Crème because they’re both the best ones.
Speaking of the best, the Joe Park/Abyss story continues, and proves that for all of Impact’s faults, there really are good things happening. Logical storyline continuance and character exposition that makes sense? Whoa. I love you, Joe Park’s brother Chris, you know, *holds hand above head* Abyss.
Prior to this match, Velvet Sky petitioned Dixie Carter to cancel this match because Chris Sabin is absolutely crazeballs, and no one in this company has ever heard of workplace harassment laws. MVP is naturally on her side, because “a man wrestling a women?” While his incredulity at the very idea is fairly insulting, I can agree that the circumstances surrounding this match are scummy and gross at best. Dixie, though, points out that she’s been learning a thing or two from MVP, and wrestling is important, and she’ll allow the match to happen.
The match itself is just a bunch of well-worn intergender tropes that we see played out in nearly every bad intergender match, but Velvet Sky’s “offense” is hilarious as usual, and OH WHOA HEY ERSATZ JESSICKA HAVOK. You should just be Jessicka Havok, but I guess I’ll take your German lady upper body strength that gives Velvet Sky excited Kermit the Frog arms. And if this leads to a lady hoss fight against Lei’D Tapa and her little girl bathing suit butt cape, then I can dig it.
Speaking of Dixie and MVP, yup, that’s still a thing that’s happening. Obviously I’m still #TeamDixie, and it’s getting really hard not to be. I mean, I know we’re supposed to think that MVP is a conquering good guy hero of the people, but if you think about it logically for a second, is he really what’s best for business?
The biggest argument that he has is that Dixie doesn’t know anything about wrestling or running a wrestling company because she’s never been a wrestler. Obviously no one has ever had any amount of success with a wrestling company having not gotten their start in the ring.
Yes, he’s brought in #TheWolves: Eddie Edwards, who’s so bland he might as well be carved out of soap, and Davey Richards, a dude who’s worked so hard to cultivate a Dynamite Kid image that I am genuinely surprised every time he speaks and a British accent doesn’t come tumbling out. They may be indie darlings (to some, *ahem*), but the core of MVP’s argument isn’t that he’s bringing in this lauded talent, it’s that Dixie is sh*tting on established stars like Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. What else does he want next, a Kevin Nash return? Is his next big move gonna be signing Mark Jindrak? Buff Bagwell? Being surprised that Test isn’t available?
Thus far he’s shot down young talent, acted so entitled that he put himself into a match, insinuated that Dixie is damaged goods (because lol old lady vagina) and maybe also Paula Deen (??), and then turned down a substantial amount of money because he’s a wrestler and knows better and is gonna make TNA reach it’s MAX POWER.
Now, this is all to set up a Team Dixie vs. Team MVP Lethal Lockdown match, but when are we gonna stop beating around the bush and realize this guy is actually kind of an asshole? I mean, he can’t even figure out how to post an upright picture on Twitter in this, the year of our lord 2014.
The best part of this clip, however, is the yellow tape line down the middle of the room. What you don’t get to see (because again, YouTube jerk), is Spud carefully and adorably Brady Bunch-ing the makeshift backstage office because he is a treasure. This is, again, why you should actually be watching the show, because the backstage segments with the members of the BlokeMans are the best thing, and they are never ever ever on YouTube.
Oh, and Willow is coming.
Whoops, wrong video.
So the top money-making babyface used his time off to film himself twirling an umbrella and yelling in the woods.
More like MVwecanseeyourPeen, amirite?
Worst: More like MVPlease just stop
MVP insists that Magnus is ridiculous for constantly pointing out that he’s the champion, because the Wrestler’s Wrestler Who’s Here To Save Wrestling has never actually watched a wrestling show ever, I guess. His point is that everyone ELSE points to the champ, and then something about a paper champ, because he’s so proactive and in your face.
Can…can I admit that I am really loving Magnus? He did exactly what I said he should do, and it’s grand. He is a stone cold jerk, entirely full of himself, totally over the top, and you know, I’ll even accept the use of “be-yotch,” which you should know is a thing I never accept.
MVP responds in the most professional way possible: physically attacking Magnus. This summons EC3, a super cool power I kinda wish I had (especially right this second because I’ve been trying to open this bottle of kombucha and I can’t get the lid off and I really would like to drink it), but then devolves into Gunner, The Wolves, and MVP standing tall in the ring because bleeeeeeeeeh. Again, I’m supposed to be on MVP’s side?
Worst: Goddamnit just put these on YouTube already
A very important component of the BlokeMans story is being told almost entirely in backstage segments that, if you don’t watch the show (which I’m informed weekly that most of you don’t), you will miss. If you just watch the YouTube clips, the strife between Ethan Carter and Magnus will be a bit of a mystery to you, and that’s a darn shame, because it simultaneously tears me up a little, but also kinda rules?
Magnus is still getting up in Ethan Carter III’s face, playing the smarmy superior, and dishing out orders like he’s his young boy. This time around, EC3 is justifiably upset over “literally being thrown to the wolves.”
Remember the first time they were all up on the ramp together, and while everything seemed hunky dory, the BlokeMans and Aunt D standing victorious, EC3 was quietly side-eyeing Magnus? And then that was built on week after week and now we have a full-blown internal feud?
All I’m saying is that Ethan Carter III is the best, and if you’re still not on board, I’m gonna keep telling you every single week until it’s no longer true spoiler alert it won’t be so get used to it, chumps.
Okay, I guess: Samoa Joe vs. The BroMans
Whoops, wrong again.
Worst: Samuel Shaw beats up a dude backstage…
And then doesn’t even smell him. Dude, you’ve got a rep to maintain. A super weird rep that in no way should I be encouraging.
Worst: Man, I did not enjoy Friends
So remember on Friends when Monica’s ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby showed up, and was either super depressed because his grandfather died, or had just given up drinking, and without alcohol was actually super melancholy, and everyone hated him because everyone on that show was actually a self-absorbed asshole and no one would stand by a friend when he had a real-life problem?
Bobby Roode is shown having a little heart to heart with his former cowboy friend (boo) about why he loves this business, and how down he is over this whole Dixie Carter thing. Really? Like…really? Do you need to take some time off? Go cry into the mane of James Storm’s horse for a while until you get your sh-t together? I guess what I’m saying is could this be any more out of character?
If this doesn’t end with a LOCKDOWN STEEL CAGE TRIVIA BATTLE to determine who gets the bigger dressing room, I’m out.
Worst: How am I supposed to know this is a street fight if no one is in jeans, OR Worst: No one is home to hit me in the tummy with a cookie pan to see how much it hurts, OR Worst: That needs to stop being my first reaction to street fights
Best: Sweet USA vest, bro
Worst: Yeah, this Bobby Roode sucks
I’m trying to remember the specific “crap” that Roode’s been through, aside from this whole title schmoz, and I’m kind of drawing a blank. Like, EGO was kinda the best, and they got to do whatever they wanted, and also he got to sit in a giant chair, so…?
Also, why is the audience booing Bobby Roode’s chance to become a part owner in the company he works for? Like, that’s a really good thing, a real great career opportunity. That kinda thing can change the trajectory of a wrestlers life. The kind that never knocks. The kind that would keep Bobby Roode off the docks. What is happening? What is wrong with you people? Why are you so awful? And why will nobody come open this goddamn bottle of kombucha for me?
Best: Ain’t nobody got time for that
Let’s break down all of the amazing things in this video:
1) Angry German Gut Check guy we’ll probably never see again getting to yell stuff in German
2) Mr. Anderson getting knocked the eff out
3) Samuel Shaw just nonchalantly picking up an unconscious staff member and walking away with her
4) Jeremy Borash’s only response being all man what is UP with that dude?
5) Literally no one gives a f-ck about the dude with the psycho jerk-off mannequin casually carting away the lady he likes to smell a lot
6) Oh man, how confused must that German fellow be
7) Probably the most confused
8) Now that Hemme is incapacitated, do we get a sexy slow-pan up Jeremy Borash’s pant leg?
Worst: Bobby Roode? More like Bobby BOOOOOOOO…de
Admittedly I haven’t been the biggest fans of Bad Influence lately, and rightly so because they have been the loose butthole all over the place. But here they are, like none of that ever happened, super stoked that Bobby Roode gets a chance at an ownership stake, ready to be BFF IN A STEEL CAGE and make sure he gets the win. Bobby Roode is all “guys I can’t just put my friends in the match why don’t you prove you can be in it” because he doesn’t understand that the allegiances are already clearly and logically divided and #TeamDixie is already a thing and because oh my god this Bobby Roode suuuuuuucks.
A Thing that Happened: Bad Influence vs. The Wolves of Indeterminate Heritage
I feel like I’ve been writing the column long enough to know when most people will violently disagree with my opinions, or have the opposite reaction to what I’ve written. And I think this is one of those times. This is also when I can recognize that I am the worst person, because I am SO PREACHY about indie wrestling. Just holy sugar I can’t walk into this match without prejudice.
The good news is that the match is alright, and in reality the best one on the show, and if you enjoyed it, there are like 100 dudes and ladies working independently who are going to blow your f-cking mind out. The bad news is that we’re finally getting to the point where my vitriol for these two isn’t just contained in one or little quips here and there. I need to be objective and put all of my past opinions on Davey Richards being an unprofessional psycho garbage baby that doesn’t understand that wrestling is fake, but it’s real hard. Real real hard. We’ve walked into my wheelhouse, and it is full of fairly mean things to say about The Wolves: Origins Undetermined.
And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to talk about how boring Eddie Edwards is, or how much I hate their double stomps, or their stupid howl, or how it’s complete mystery that people cream their jeans for Eddie Edwards when he is the most whitebread motherf-cker, and makes baby Bob Backlund look like goddamn Raven. See? This is already so much negativity. And that’s no fun at all.
I will say that a) to his credit, Davey Richards has been very nice to my dearest darling dudes in St. Louis Anarchy, and I appreciate that. I will also say b) I have enjoyed exactly one Davey Richards match, and shockingly, it was against Davey Vega, because Vega rules, and is somehow already a million times better than when that match took place. C) I’m kinda bummed that because of TNA this won’t happen, and now Roderick Strong is on the card because that dude is the dirt worst. The good news is that Gary Jay is gonna turn Roddy’s chest into hamburger meat. Oh, hey, also, go to that SLA show if you can because it will be way better than anything we’ve seen on this show.
Sigh. I guess at this point I’m stuck with them, and I should commit to saying one positive thing about them each week to balance things out.
….starting next week.