Want to know some of my other all-time favrits?
Welcome to this week’s Best and Worst of Smackdown! A show featuring both Eva Marie and Aksana saying words on it! I have a feeling this is gonna be one-a yer all-time favrits!
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Okay, let’s go…
Calm the f–k down dude.
Worst: A Recipe For A Mizerable Friday
If I come off a little cranky at times during this report it’s probably because this episode of Smackdown featured The Miz on commentary. For the entire two-hours. No, really. Argh, God, now I can’t stop saying really. I think this Smackdown may have, like, really damaged my brain. Arrrrrrrrrgh!
But yeah, apparently The Miz has been taking tips from master orator Alex Riley, because much like Riley, Miz couldn’t discuss anything without tying it back to his own dubious accomplishments. When the New Age Outlaws turned on Punk? That was totally like when The Miz turned on Kofi Kingston! Sooo, I guess Billy Gun and Road Dogg are going to be turning on Punk four more times before the end of the week? The commentary situation wasn’t helped by the fact that Miz and JBL decided they needed to have a show-long “guys who were sort of on top, except not really” pissing match.
To be fair, JBL was the instigator of most of it and the one that was more full of s–t — no John, both you and The Miz didn’t headline Wrestlemania. The Miz beat John Cena in front of The Rock to continue a title reign that was actually supposed to mean something, while you lost to John Cena somewhere in the middle of the show in seven minutes to end a Honky-Tonk Man reign. Deal with it.
Worst: GO AWAY
Why the f–k are Billy Gunn and The Roadie still on my wrestling television program? Was JBL right about father time forgetting them? Somehow the universe lost track of the New Age Outlaws during their Old-School Raw cameo and now it must continue for all eternity? That’s it, isn’t it? God-dammit.
Best: The First Best of the Night to Reference Maryse
Eva Marie has officially been given the least-demanding job the WWE has to offer — that of “pretty girl who tells viewers not to stop watching Smackdown because there are, in fact, pretty girls on the show”. This was of course Maryse’s job for months before she became the dazzling longest reigning Divas champion of all time forever (John Cena will never have more title reigns than Ric Flair and AJ will never have a longer Divas title reign than Maryse, so there).
Unsurprisingly Eva Marie managed to be significantly less eloquent than early-period Maryse, who I’m pretty sure delivered her promos entirely phonetically. Hopefully Eva Marie never attempts the hair-whip — she’d probably never recover from the neck injury.
Best: The Actual Wrestling Part of Mysterio vs. Del Rio
I don’t think I’ve ever actually disliked a Rey Mysterio/Alberto Del Rio match. I mean, don’t get me wrong — I don’t need to see them wrestle again as long as I live, but these guys are the two most successful Mexican crossover talents ever, so the wrestling itself is always going to be good. That said…
Worst: Everything Else About Mysterio vs. Del Rio
There’re only two things that can ever happen when Mysterio and Del Rio meet. Either Del Rio beats Mysterio and holds the arm bar on after the match, or Mysterio beats Del Rio with a roll-up and then Del Rio holds the arm bar on after the match. If anything else ever got written on the dry erase board Vince McMahon would have an OCD-induced panic attack. Better to just keep these two apart.
Worst: Just End This
The main event of Raw was the climax of the Daniel Bryan/Wyatts storyline. Like all cult leaders Bray Wyatt is (or at least should be) an ego-driven fraud. Nothing scares Bray Wyatt more than being outsmarted or exposed and after what happened on Raw, Bray should want nothing to do with Daniel Bryan ever again. Bray’s promo on Smackdown was fine, but there’s nowhere for this storyline to go except down. Let Raw’s main event be the culmination of a storyline that will be well remembered in the years to come, instead of a sort-of-fun event that happened in the middle of a thing that went on too long.
Worst: Hopefully Naomi’s Registered at the Neck Brace Store
Somebody call Naomi’s mama! No, seriously — I think her daughter may be dead.
Best: Credit Where Credit Is Due
I’m nothing if not fair, so I’ll admit, The Miz improved on commentary as the night went along, and he was actually, sort of…good(?) during the Divas match, countering some of JBL’s usual, “I’m the only person with breasts who belongs in a wrasslin’ ring Mahchull!” bulls–t. I’m guessing his surprisingly non-douchey attitude about the Divas is based on the fact that only good thing in his life right now happened as a result of the division existing. That’s two Maryse references! One more and she reappears in a cloud of glitter and cheese curds, right? I’ll try to work it in.
Worst: The Valley Of Giants
So, a couple weeks ago Big Show was doing the Macarena in a diaper or whatever, but now they want him to face Brock Lesnar, so their big idea for de-buffooning him is to have him threaten fat, middle-aged half his size? First he punches out Colter on Raw and then he comes out and physically threatens Paul Heyman on Smackdown. Hmmm, nope, I don’t get it. Also, I know we’re just supposed to buy into the illusion, but seriously, the fact that the Big Show touched Brock Lesnar’s armpits then Brock Lesnar threw himself wildly across the ring does not particularly impress me. Well, I mean, the fact that Brock can jump like that is pretty cool, but otherwise.
Brie began to realize she doesn’t really relate to her sister anymore sometime around the time Nikki decided to burp the Star Spangled Banner in her face.
Best: And Now, Here’s The Bellas Saying “Dong” Repeatedly
Yup, WWE couldn’t even get more than one “Keep watchin’ Smackdown!” promo out of Eva Marie. I’m guessing because the one they did get required, like, 50 takes.
That or somebody just thought it’d be funny make the girlfriends of the company’s two hottest stars say “dong” half-a-dozen times on a kid’s TV show. You know what? That somebody was right.
Best: I’m Besting Langston vs. Fandango, But This is the Last Time
Big E. and Fandango work well together — so well in fact that they’re in danger of becoming a Dolph Ziggler/Kofi Kingston type pairing. A couple of guys WWE can reliably throw out there to have a good match, which they do again and again and again until the thought of watching them wrestle again makes you nauseous. So yeah, this was another good Langston/Fandango match, but my patience is wearing thin.
“Why, I’m a mind to ankle both a’ you bums, but youse wiseguys are the only two that can help me find the Lindbergh baby!”
Best: You’d Go Sailin’ Kid, Sailin’…
Ohhhh Dean Ambrose — you and your wacky, lifted from old gangster movie anachronisms. How can you not love Ambrose calling Rollins “kid” despite Rollins only being four months younger than him?
Take it all the way man, take it all the way. Next time somebody asks Ambrose about The Shield breaking up he needs to respond with, “Bushwa! Why that CM Punk fella’s fulla horsefeathers! Now go chase yahself!” before breaking into a spirited redition of the Lindy hop.
Sierra, Hotel, India, Echo, Lima, 23 Skidoo, The Shield [cue jazz clarinet]…
Best: Tack Team Competition
Hee hee. Needless to say this show-long tribute to 2006-era Maryse wouldn’t be complete without Aksana showing up to entice us with talk of hot “tack team” action. Third Maryse reference! Did it work?! Did it…no? Nothing? Hmmm, I’m beginning to think this Just For Laughs Guide To Summoning French Canadians may be bogus.
Best: Wheelchair Humor
Usually I don’t like to give the, “Making wrestling less ignorant will ruin the fun!” crowd much credence, but with that said, I hope we never reach a place where wrestling is afraid to do a little light wheelchair humor. The Real Americans accidentally letting Zeb roll down the ramp because they were too busy placing their hands over their hearts was the best bit of physical comedy WWE has done in forever. And yeah, the Usos targeting a handicapped Zeb makes them giant assholes in any sort of real-world scenario, but honestly there’s a part of me that just needs to watch a guy in a wheelchair get pushed into another guy’s balls sometimes, okay?
Best/Worst: The Plan Continues?
The main event of Raw was unquestionably great, but I don’t believe for a second any of the Kane stuff was planned. Not to get all dirt-sheets on everyone, but Kane became a corporate guy because he was filming a movie and was tired of wearing the stupid mask anyways, then they did nothing with him for months, then they decided to end the Bray/Bryan story because people YESed at a basketball game annnd then Raw happened. There’s no rich backstory here, it’s just bunch of random stuff that happened and sort of worked out.
That said, I have to believe not even WWE could be blind to the fact that they stumbled onto something big on Monday, so when Kane (who again, had done jack s–t for months up until this Monday) comes out to insert himself into CM Punk’s feud with The Shield and New Age Outlaws, I think it has to mean something. Is this all leading to some glorious thing where Punk, Bryan and Kane overthrow The Authority at Wrestlemania? Probably not, but at least something seems to be in the works.