LOL. Batista couldn’t look like more of an asshat if he were literally wearing an ass for a hat. Welcome back buddy.
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Okay, on we go…
Worst: The World’s Strongest Jobbers
Hey, I heard Antonio Cesaro was involved in a really great opening match this week! This is totally it, right? Right?
This match wasn’t terrible, but did they have to do this “Swagger and Cesaro fight over who gets the win” thing with Big E and Mark Henry? I mean, a month ago the Real Americans were struggling to beat Los Matadores, and now suddenly they’re so cockily confident they can beat the strongest man in the world that they’re eagerly tagging themselves in? Why does one talented guy being on the rise almost always mean another talented guy having to look like crap in this company? I assume you keep 3MB on the payroll for a reason WWE.
Best: Welcome Back (Intentional) Dickbag Batista
2010 era heel Batista is one of my all-time favorite WWE characters. He was the walking, ridiculously clad representation of that crappy wrestling guy — the loser who grew up liking silly underpants fighting, who then got big muscles and thinks the world owes him unlimited blowjobs because he now looks like The Ultimate Warrior. I was hotly anticipating more classic “hugging fat girls” promos upon his return, but instead we got just wants competition Batista who looks baffled and betrayed when people don’t cheer him for dropping jokes Disney Channel execs wouldn’t consider edgy about Orton being the ASS of the WWE. They even tried to do a colossally misguided “ya likes me or ya hates me” John Cena thing on this week’s Raw.
Well, as of Smackdown Batista is officially a bad guy again. At least I hope he is — WWE couldn’t possibly think a guy wearing that f–king newsboy cap is still a good guy, or even a tweener, could they?
Anyways, this promo was right up to early-2010 standards. It was full of Batista enumerating FACTS and “I’ve got abs, so I’m the best regardless of talent of accomplishments” douchebag logic. It was the sort of electric heel promo you only get from a genuinely kind of scummy person “being real”. Of course, Batista’s turn back to the real side begs the question — who the hell does he face for the title? Randy Orton? Jesus, are we dropping the Wrestlemania name and re-christening this event the first annual Asshole Bowl? I mean, them giving up and going heel with Batista pretty much means Daniel Bryan is in the match, right? Or the Brinks truck is backing up to CM Punk’s porch as we speak?
Worst: Slacks Ziggler
Woof. Has Dolph Ziggler worn pants on WWE TV, like, ever? Go put on your sparkly diaper or get off my television screen good sir.
So yeah, Batista was all “I can destroy all your heroes Internet marks!” and so out comes the 2014 version of Dolph Ziggler to make us all feel kind of embarrassed. Dolph’s promo was hot trash too, with him dropping enough “Jacks” to choke John Cena as he unconvincingly proclaimed himself more rugged and manly than the guy dressed as male stripper Oliver Twist.
Batista should just continue beating on the saddest “Internet heroes” possible. Have him drag out Zack Ryder, or be all “I was reading this guy Brandon’s stuff and for two weeks back in 2012 he totally loved this Lord Tensai guy. Is he still around?”