Dolph is totally going to steal the hell out of the Wrestlemania pre-show.
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Okay, on we go…
Best: Triple H is Happy for You
It’s been said before, but Triple H really is good at being a condescending dick. Almost like he’s had some practice at it. Triple H comes out and the crowd kind of mindlessly Yeses him, so he makes them feel like assholes with a deft “Hmmm, yeah, bet that feels good”. He then goes on a spiel about how he’s been protecting Bryan all along, which isn’t true, but still, No chants aren’t quite the appropriate response, so robbed of their easy chants, the audience actually starts listening to what he has to say, at which points he drops the intense, match selling stuff about crushing everybody’s hopes and dreams. Why was Triple H never this good when he was doing this full time? I guess some guys just need 20 years and 13 world championships to get up to speed.
Worst: Let’s Abuse Damien Sandow For No Reason!
Unfortunately Triple H couldn’t make it through the opening segment without switching gears from harmless entertaining dickery to the more malignant variety by picking on Damien Sandow. Poor, sad-eyed, CM Punk physique without the tattoos Damien Sandow. This wasn’t a face turn for Sandow, so why devote a segment to Triple H dumping on him? Then The Shield, who are turning face, beat up on and triple powerbomb this poor shlub. I guess The Shield had to triple powerbomb somebody to set up the end of the show, but if that’s the case have Sandow come out and be a jerk rather than have the powerbomb be the final twist on a purple nurple Triple H started.
Best: Big E Wins A Match!
Dude’s as surprised as anyone…
Worst: Oooooo, Somebody Fell Asleep At a Production Meeting
Hmmm, so having failed to find anything constructive and/or entertaining for Bad News Barrett to do, they’ve given him a new job — whining in a thinly veiled manner about petty backstage grievances!
Somehow Barrett started at “Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak” and wound around to “BAD NEWS you’ll fall asleep at a meeting at work” and Michael Cole was all SNRKKSNICKER and JBL was, “What kind of a STUPID ASSHOLE gets sleepy at a meeting?!” I get sleepy watching your programming WWE — the planning process can’t be much more stimulating. Cut sleepy Billy Kidman or whoever it was a break.
Best: Stealin’ Tags
Is “stealing” a tag really so awful? It’s WWE’s one go-to for showing there’s dissent within a tag team, but why is this something to get upset about? Oh, you want to come in and do all the hard work? Sure friend! A win for you is a win for me — hooray for tag team wrestling! The whole “somebody tagging themselves in is terrible because they’re STEALING THE GLORY” seems to me to be the thinking of very petty, insecure minds. Interestingly the spot started to be overused around the time Triple H really got invested in the tag division, but I’m sure those two points are completely unrelated.
Anyways, I’m still giving this segment a best, because, rampant Real American tag stealing aside, this was probably the best match of the night. Cody was working overtime to make everything Cesaro did look good, including pulling this stunt…
What were you planning to do if Cesaro didn’t catch you Cody? Twirl your body and bore head first into the earth like Drill Man?
Cesaro and Swagger even managed to make the rote tag stealing stuff somewhat entertaining with some good facials, and I’m glad the Usos are now important enough that they get to do crowd popping rescue spots. So yeah, a segment with nothing but good to great people in it was good, but enough tag stealing.