Bill Belichick Doesn’t Go To Grocery Stores, So Here Are 9 Ways He Obtains Sustenance

It’s Patriots vs. Colts week in the NFL. On Sunday Night Football this weekend, the angry, heated desire for revenge in New England comes to the game every insufferable Bostonian has waited for. It’s the Deflategate revenge game. The Colts instigated the seven-month long farce that dragged the Patriots and eventually the NFL through the mud. Tom Brady is angry. Bill Belichick is angry. This is going to be a bloodbath. No one thinks the Colts are going to win this game. I doubt even the Colts believe it. It’s going to be a city-leveling bomb of football.

So, naturally, when asked about the game in a press conference, Belichick gave his usual canned answers that do nothing to mask the sheer contempt he has for the media. However, the dark lord of the Pats did manage to let something interesting slip out:

It seems like a cute burn at a dumb question at first, but then the reality sinks in — Belichick doesn’t go to a grocery store? At all? Ever? How does the man eat? Is he a man?

With this revelation, let’s try to unlock this mystery of how Belichick obtains food.

1. He goes out to eat every single night.
This sounds like the life, and Belichick certainly makes the money to be able to go to a nice place every night. But Belichick is a football-obsessed nutjob, and people seem to disgust him. Would he really be the type to hang out at a restaurant every night for food? Would he even have time to spend at a restaurant? Why go to a steakhouse when you can sit inside watching film and finding loopholes in the rulebook to exploit?
Likelihood of being true: Very very low.

2. He makes his girlfriend do it.
This sounds plausible. Yes, Belichick has a girlfriend, probably because he doesn’t have the time to get married. She could go to the store without being recognized and fawned over by legions of smug Patriots fans. She would merely be creeped on by the usual creepy dudes at the grocery store.
Likelihood of being true: Possible.

3. He has a personal chef.
Belichick views players as very disposable. Why wouldn’t he also view people in his personal life the same way? He just orders a minion to handle his food and then cuts them from the roster if the meat doesn’t do its job of satisfying him to the fullest. The personal chef could also be his girlfriend, combining these two options into one.
Likelihood of being true: Seems legit.

4. He hunts his own food.
Grocery stores do things the cheap and easy way, like a low-level coach on a bad franchise. You can’t trust the freshness of those meat cuts or cleanliness of those veggies. The only way to do that is to obtain the food yourself. Belichick probably goes into the woods armed with just a knife and stalks his prey, which includes deer, wild boars, bears, and lost hikers.
Likelihood of being true: Very probable.

5. Photosynthesis.
Belichick obtains his nutrients through skin absorption. However, he does not convert solar rays to proteins. He actually spends so much time in dark underground rooms that he has adapted his body to absorb nutrients from locker-room showers and dusty film rooms. This is why he’s so grumpy above ground during games — because they are actually bad for his health and he wants them over as soon as possible.
Likelihood of being true: Iffy.

6. He replicates himself like Hugh Jackman in The Prestige.
If you haven’t seen Christopher Nolan’s The Prestige, you should, because it has David Bowie in it. It also has Hugh Jackman using David Bowie’s machine to create copies of himself for magic tricks, because Hugh Jackman is extremely unoriginal and stupid and when given the power to literally copy himself infinite times, the only thing he can think to do with it is pretend he’s in two places at once in a magic show. He also kills the original Hugh Jackman each time. So, anyway, maybe Belichick has a copy machine and simply hits the button every day, killing the old Belichick.
Likelihood of being true: Unlikely.

7. He is a robot.
Pretty self-explanatory. Who needs food when you can just plug yourself in at night? Every few years, he gets an upgrade to the new Apple operating system, and that’s when the Patriots go to the Super Bowl.
Likelihood of being true: Highly possible, but his power outlets have yet to be found.

8. He simply doesn’t eat, because he is an inhuman golem.
Belichick ceased being human years ago and is actually a monster that does not consume food, but instead gains his power from the souls of those who defy him. This is why his coaching tree is so weak. Unlike other famous coaches who spawned great coaches, Belichick has never spawned a great coach. As soon as these coordinators leave him, they have defied their master, and he consumes their life essence. Bill O’Brien is the latest victim. Josh McDaniels was almost lost, but came back to serve.
Likelihood of being true: Very, very likely.

9. Belichick eats reporters who ask him dumb questions.
“We’re on to *burrp* Cincinnati.”
*picks teeth with bones*
Likelihood of being true: Evidence is there to support it.