Earlier this week, PGA star Bubba Watson and his friends at Oakley released a video that reached viral status almost instantly, as it showed Watson’s newest toy – a hovercraft golf cart. Watson is obviously no stranger to awesome vehicles, as he owns the original Dukes of Hazard General Lee, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to see him whipping around a golf course in a personal hovercraft that probably costs around $20,000.
But while everyone with a keyboard was writing, “ZOMG!” and “Rad cart, bro!” I couldn’t help but wonder if it is really all that dope and fly, as the cool kids on my street say when I pay them money not to egg my house. Yes, I’d love to own a hovercraft for any situation, but where the hell would I ever drive it? And while it would be awesome to hit up my local golf course in Watson’s whip before I lay a fat 110 on my score card, I’m pretty sure the pro shop gestapo wouldn’t let me use it.
Even though I’ve single-handedly struck down the idea that this hover cart is realistic, I want to ask the more reasonable question of whether or not this cart is the coolest golf cart that has ever been made. To answer this question, I will utilize science and engineering to create what I believe is the perfect golf cart.
For starters, I’m not into the snazzy luxury golf carts that are manufactured to look like actual expensive cars, like this Hummer…
Or this Dodge Viper…
Or this Rolls Royce…
Or this Buick…
And on any other day, I’d probably just say that this Batman Tumbler golf cart is the coolest golf cart ever and I’d stick my fingers in my ears and shut that whole debate down.
But that ultimately lacks the personal charm that I’d need driving from double bogey to double bogey. I need something that says, “Burnsy is the person who drives this cart, and not even the pope could put his butt in this seat”. So let’s start with the basic golf cart:
Simple, white, rechargeable – It’s like my penis if my penis could hold a bag and a cooler. Speaking of, let’s go ahead and add a cooler to my new, perfect golf cart.
And what’s a frosty red Solo cup of hunch punch without a steak? Let’s get a nice BBQ grill on there, too.
Already, we have one hell of a cart. Now, let’s give it some cool flames on the side, so this cart tells people it’s not to be f*cked with.
And it needs a cool hood ornament. I like football, so let’s put the actual Lombardi trophy on the front.
I also love to listen to tunes while I’m playing. I could use a sweet boombox so I can listen to the new Limp Bizkit jam.
Oh, wait. I should have a hot caddy. Give me one of those.
One of the wheels should be a pizza, so if I’m not full after my steak, I can grab a slice.
Let’s put a rocket on the side, too. I f*cking hate when I get stuck behind a slow foursome.
And there should be a really cute puppy.
Then John Cena sees me and he’s like, “I challenge you, Burnsy!” and I beat him because I would.
Maybe some Hooters girls show up and they’re like, “You’re the best golfer ever, Burnsy!”
Finally, Bill Gates shows up and he’s like, “This is an awesome golf cart, here’s a billion bucks.”
Yeah, that’s a pretty cool golf cart.