With the NFL Lockout behind us like an angry Aryan inmate, most of us have begun our annual preparations for our fantasy football drafts. That is, unless you’re in one of those leagues that already drafted because your commissioner is an impatient d*ckhead, who probably has a wife he only married because she was pregnant, so he needs anything he can get to distract him from reality. If that’s your case, then I’m sorry but this won’t help you.
In all honesty, this probably won’t help most people. So what is this then? It’s my own hastily organized fantasy football position rankings, based on biased logic, gut feelings, and many years of fantasy football angst. All this week and next, I’ll be breaking down each position by telling you which players are the best of their class, will give you the best value in later rounds, will cause you to have fits of rage and disgust, and will help you look smart in front of your friends when you draft them. Now, keep in mind – I’m not an expert. I’m not even a guy who knows stuff. I’m just a dude who makes an occasional funny joke and has vague opinions.
But I’ve won a few leagues over the years and let’s face it – we all live for this sh*t. And we want to read every possible ranking and mock draft that we possibly can before we sit down with our notebooks, laptops, magazines and all-around utter hopelessness. For most of us, it’s validation. For the rest of us, it’s just a way to make worthless games fun. Either way, welcome to my first installment of Burnsy’s Bad Advice: Ranking Your Fantasy Football Quarterbacks. And yes, I’ve based my choices entirely on female celebrities. Because why wouldn’t I?
The Kate Uptons
These are your “can’t go wrong” choices, the guys who will generally provide a large chunk of your team’s points from week-to-week. They’re basically no-brainer choices that you can take in the first or second round, and all you have to decide is which QB is more valuable to you. (Also, I should point out that these rankings are based on which QB you’re latching your season to. I don’t care who your backup is, nor should you, except for one week during the season. That is, unless you pick one of the turds that we’ll discuss later.)
1) Aaron Rodgers – Like I said, the QBs in this group are debatable in order. But my hops-influenced gut tells me that Rodgers will be better than last season, with Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley returning from their respective injuries. The only thing that concerns me about A-Rodg is that the NFC North has grown worse around the Packers and it could be a very easy season for them. He could be the new Peyton Manning – taking a seat later in the season – but you can worry about that after he pulls 30+ points per week.
2) Michael Vick – Most pundits have Vick as their clear cut No. 1 draft pick this season, but the fantasy conservative in me thinks that’s a bit optimistic. On the positive side, Vick isn’t competing anymore. That means he’ll have a whole season to produce 4 touchdown games. But that also means he has a whole season to have his body destroyed. Beyond injuries, I’m also worried that A) The Eagles defense will allow the offense to get up big and quick, saddling the late work on LeSean McCoy; and 2) Vick could become complacent with no competition at his position. Last year he had something to prove. Hopefully he wants to prove that he can win a Super Bowl this season.
3) Tom Brady – Drew Brees should probably be in this spot, what with Brady’s offseason of water slides and grooming, but I just have that feeling that we’re in for another “I’m better than Peyton Manning” season. Obviously, I’m not implying that adding Chad Ochocinco means anything – it doesn’t, because he’s done – but as long as Brady gets to play against the AFC East, he’s in this group.
4) Drew Brees – I love that the New Orleans Saints brought Lance Moore back, because I’ve always thought he could be the lead receiver on a team that has 60 receivers. But Brees clearly has more options than just some guy I think is good. Obviously he’ll hit Marques Colston for 10 TDs, Robert Meachem will have at least 3 80-yard scores, and Moore will do his thing as well. The big bonus is Jimmy Graham, who will be mentioned more in-depth in my tight end rankings. If the Saints have a healthy running game, then Brees won’t be a question.
5) Philip Rivers – Rivers had great numbers last year, so he clearly deserves to be mentioned in the upper crust, but I don’t like him. Yes, it’s because he seems like a massive doucher, but the San Diego Chargers offense just doesn’t feel right. If they resign Malcolm Floyd then I’ll feel better, but I don’t trust Vincent Jackson yet. But if you have a late second round pick and the previous four guys disappear (and they will) then Rivers is the best bet.
The Emma Stones
These quarterbacks are attractive but they probably won’t carry you without a solid supporting cast. And yes, I realize how Simmons-esque that sounds but screw it, I like posting pictures of attractive females to anchor my mundane ramblings on NFL QBs.
6) Peyton Manning – I wouldn’t draft Peyton Manning this season unless he came at great value after the first two rounds. I’m sure he’ll have solid numbers and will be dependable all season, as the Indianapolis Colts will have to fight the whole way. But I don’t have much faith in Indy’s running game, and at 35 Manning is going to start slipping. You could even argue he already has. But maybe I just have an ill regard for the guy who just handcuffed his franchise with a $90 million guaranteed contract.
7) Matt Ryan – There is no reason that this shouldn’t be the season that Ryan jumps into the top tier. Everything would seem to indicate that he’s primed, what with Roddy White ready to become the best receiver in football and the addition of Julio Jones. And, you know, Tony Gonzalez and Michael Turner. But we’ve seen QBs suck with equal talent (looking at you, Matt Leinart) so Ryan’s going to need to earn that spot up top. Still, he’ll be good for some big games.
8) Matt Schaub – I think I’m being too generous here, but with Andre Johnson and Arian Foster involved I will still give Schaub the benefit of the doubt. But this is the last time. I want an injury-free season with MVP numbers and a trip to the playoffs already, or I’m putting this guy on the Fantasy PUP – Poopy Useless Poop – next season.
9) Ben Roethlisberger – If the Pittsburgh Steelers had signed Plaxico Burress, Ben might be in the top tier, but they didn’t so he’s not. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have thought too highly of him even then. It’s hard to tell how the Steelers’ offense will work. On one hand, Rashard Mendenhall, who thinks Osama Bin Laden got a bum rap, is a work horse and about to hit his prime. On the other hand, Mike Wallace is the best deep threat in the league, which should make Ben considerably better. I guess the offense is just too balanced, which is good for the Steelers but sh*tty for your fantasy team.
10) Tony Romo – Another guy I wouldn’t even touch with your draft picks, Romo is about one more uninspired season away from being an afterthought. He has great weapons at his disposal – if Dez Bryant can pull his head out of his ass and his pants up – so Romo should be successful. Then again, that’s assuming you think he’s a good QB, which many people don’t.