Carson Wentz Will Take You On The Worst Date Of Your Life If You Let Him

By: 09.22.16

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So, Carson Wentz has been pretty good so far in his rookie year, huh? Pro Football Focus rates him as literally the best quarterback in football through the first two weeks of the season. Granted, it’s been against the Browns and Bears, who figure to have two of the worst defenses in the league, but still — concerns about his transition from FCS competition have essentially been put to bed.

Beyond his performance on the field, however, Wentz has exuded the kind of quarterback personality the NFL and its most closely associated media adore, which is to say he’s an aw-shucks country boy who will be the first one to tell you how tough he is. They also adore how singularly obsessed with football he is — and judging by a story from his girlfriend, we’d say he’s taken it a little far.

Carson, my dude. You gotta chill. I understand that you’re passionate, and you want to strive and be great and represent North Dakota and say things like, “Because in North Dakota, we don’t care for flash or dazzle,” but you can still be a human being. I mean, you probably spend enough time away from your girlfriend as it is, so maybe put down the iPad — excuse me, the NFL just called to insist I instead tell Carson to put down his Microsoft Surface Pro® — and try to figure out something besides football to talk about. Like North Dakota! I hear you love North Dakota.

This obsession and instant competence means he’s going to be really good, isn’t he? Crap.

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