Last week, Regularly-Scheduled UFC Fight-Loser Chael Sonnen called LeBron James a dork. Because … uh, semantics.
If we know anything about Chael Sonnen, it’s that when he starts in on something, he doesn’t shut up about it until you punch him in the face a bunch of times. Or “win by a fluke,” or whatever. Sonnen further, thoroughly discussed what he meant by “dork” to Bleacher Report, which is like going to the North Pole to talk to people about Santa Claus. The subject matter, like so much of today’s sports news, was Urkel-related.
Bleacher Report: What prompted you to call LeBron James a dork on the Jim Rome show? Is there any sort of history between the two of you?
Chael Sonnen: His name being brought up prompted it. He makes Urkel look cool. I would have liked to call him a twat, but they changed subjects.
cool story, bro
The two biggest highlights follow, and include both the thing you’d expect most from Sonnen (Anderson Silva references) and the easiest-possible jokes about LeBron (Delonte West and his hairline).
Let me tell you a story about LeBron. He asked the UFC for tickets for my fight against Anderson Silva. We sit the guy front row, and all through the night he snubs our fans. He’s a guest in our house and he refuses to sign any autographs or take any pictures unless your cup size was later in the alphabet than he was able to learn.
And from what I understand, he thinks the letter purple comes after C. This guy walked up to my fiancee backstage and asks her if there’s a Tic Tac in her blouse or if she was just happy to see him.
I had a UFC employee tell me he saw a mother wheel her handicapped child up to him to get a picture. Lebron was walking towards them. When he reached the kid, the mother stopped the wheelchair. Lebron took the wheelchair, wheeled it out of the way and kept walking.
I’d like to slap the divots right off his face.
“Let me tell you another story about LeBron. I went to the NBA Finals and sat in the nosebleeds. I cheered for LeBron and I KNOW he heard me, but he didn’t acknowledge me. I went up to him after the game and he refused to high-five me. Then a lady came up to him on crutches and he punched that lady in the face. I saw it, and the lady looked at me afterwards and we made eye contact so I know she knows I saw it.” etc.
With a fight formally proposed, Chael banked in an easy lay-up using a Twitter joke from 2010.
He’d run away faster than his hairline. His hair went North, his talents went South, and his mother went West.
If you’d like to know how the actual Sonnen/James fight would go down, here you go: Sonnen would say shit like this for four months leading up to it, then dominate the fight. But whoops, his leg would fall off or purposefully stick his head into a triangle joke or the lighting structure above the octagon would fall on and crush him and LeBron would win. Afterward, Sonnen would casually mention how LeBron James is tough, then start calling Kyrie Irving a “loser.” The end.