ESPN’s “College Gameday,” that one program with all the funny signs and the eccentric old man host, will be in Baton Rouge, La., this Saturday for the LSU-Ole Miss game.
This will be fun because a) Louisiana and its public flagship institution of higher learning hold one of the best atmospheres in college football and b) there will be plenty of awesome, funny Twitter jokes made at the expense of the state, its college, and that atmosphere. But while the peanut gallery’s firing on all cylinders on social media, “Gameday” will also bring out another fun element: its celebrity guest picker for its closing segment. That celebrity will be someone who has something to do with Louisiana or LSU (or neither of those things).
Knowing ESPN, they’ll get, like, James Carville or this feller. If they’re feeling saucy, maybe Lil Wayne. However, we at Uproxx Sports, if we had an imaginary-to-reality convertor, would like to suggest they select a character from the 1998 Adam Sandler comedy “The Waterboy” because there’s never been a better movie to parody Bayou football culture (and perhaps the NCAA itself). Also, Gameday’s Lee Corso and Chris Fowler make guest appearances, so this post is now relevant.
Here are the six best characters from “The Waterboy” who’d do that game pickin’ thing right. This does not include Sandler’s character Bobby Boucher (too obvious) or his mama (she hates fooseball), played by Kathy Bates. In any case, let’s do it, Bobby.
Coach Red Beaulieu
Coach Red Beaulieu, played by the late Jerry Reed, is the movie’s chief antagonist as the head coach of the (fictional) University of Louisiana Cougars, and would in real life probably be your archetypical SEC head coach. He’s cocky and smug, but he masks both of those traits with a colloquial twang that makes him seem more harmless than he really is. He also wins lots of football games, so no one would give a sh*t even if he were an *sshole. His imaginary appearance on “College Gameday” essentially foreshadows a Steve Spurrier appearance in 15 years.
Farmer Fran
The mumbling, guttural Fran is Klein’s assistant head coach and a trademark Sandler film stereotype (Cajuns are hillbillies). I don’t know if this characterization is true of Bayou people, but seeing this dude live on “Gameday” between Lee and Chris utter sounds formerly unknown to man would be the prettiest, most incomprehensible trainwreck ever. He also couldn’t be any harder to understand than Lou Holtz, right?
Vicki Vallencourt
We’re sure if Vicki were to jump onto set with the “Gameday” crew, she’d have no qualms in sticking up for her picks. The way she told off Lynn Swann in the movie over what she predicted to be the final score of the Bourbon Bowl means Lee would think twice before calling a “no so fast” on her. She knows her sh*t.
Coach Klein
Henry Winkler’s Coach Klein is inept and paranoid, so he’d fit in with just about any coach on the chopping block. This would help his appearance on “Gameday,” as he’d be able to identify which games will feature soon-to-be-fired head coaches (*cough* Florida-Georgia *cough*), all while he mumbles incoherent sentences and flashbacks to his glory days before Beaulieu stole his thunder. To see a real-life version of this man-mess, we’re sure Charlie Weis would love to field an appearance.
Paco
Clint Howard’s character Paco, the knowledgeable townie always in the stands for the Mud Dogs, would be an excellent guest picker because he’d not only guess Saturday’s winners and losers but call out exactly how and why each loser will screw up. He showed it in the stands for SCLSU, and we’re sure he’ll win over the set with his breadth of college football knowledge–except Desmond. Paco would say something about Michigan’s pitiful offense this season, only to receive an entire tree’s worth of shade from Desmond’s hating self.
Rob Schneider’s Townie
Seriously, f*ck Rob Schneider and his career. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t say we’d love to see his “you can do it!” character shouting his catchphrase at the Baton Rouge crowd.
