I know this is going to be tough for you to hear, but Donald Trump has backed out of the Indianapolis 500 and won’t be driving the pace car at the 100th anniversary of the race. Be strong, you need to be strong now more than ever. Trump says he decided to hand over the keys because driving would be “inappropriate” if he was running for President, adding that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was absolutely ice-burned at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and can no longer show his face in public. His hair added, “rarrr.”
Today the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (the speedway itself, not a person, while we’re being anthropomorphic) released the following statement:
Jeff Belskus, Indianapolis Motor Speedway president and chief executive officer, noted that he respects Trump’s position and appreciated the communication regarding this decision.
“Donald Trump has been very enthusiastic about the ‘500’ from the beginning of our conversations, and I have appreciated the interaction we have had with him and his staff,” Belskus said. “From my first conversation, I was impressed by his deep understanding of the event and history, and I thank him for being a true fan.”
At the risk of making a “what is there to understand, the cars drive in circles” joke, I’m pretty surprised to learn that Donald Trump knows how to drive a car at all. I imagine him being a business genius but functionally retarded, which is why he can be a multimillionaire but not know how to comb his hair, or how he can build and operate a casino but spends six months flipping out on Rosie O’Donnell for nothing.
Obama should replace him as the driver of the pace car, then win the Indianapolis 500.