By now you’re probably well aware of the figurative and literal sh*tshow currently taking place in Sochi, Russia for the 2014 Winter Olympics. Instead of talking about the efforts of the world’s greatest athletes, we’re all pointing and laughing at Russia for not being prepared at all, from the terrifyingly dangerous slopestyle course to the hotel rooms that were anything but ready when the athletes and media members started arriving. And of course there are the bathrooms. Those ridiculous f*cking bathrooms.
But I’m a positive kind of guy, and if I’m in the position to represent my country and compete on the grandest stage of them all for a gold medal, I’m going to try to make the best of my accommodations. If that means dropping a bronze in front of one of my peers, then so be it. Obviously, it’s easy for me to sit here in the comfort of my own home, blogging from my private toilet, but I think that I can really be of help to the athletes that might have a problem with things like community crappers and having to throw away their used toilet paper in trash cans, as opposed to flushing it.
I watch a lot of shows on the DIY Network and HGTV, with Bath Crashers being one of my absolute favorites. Seriously, Matt Muenster should be considered a goshdamned artist for some of the work that he does. So I thought that I’d channel Matt and use some of the handy DIY lessons that he’s taught me over the last several years to help our athletes make the best of their situation.
Let’s start with the bathroom in question:
A lot of people do not think these bathrooms are real, but here’s the proof:
And more proof in case you think I’m good enough to photoshop that picture and create a fake Twitter account with countless Tweets on it just to Tweet it out:
Pretty awkward and uncomfortable, right? But it’s not the end of the world. First, let’s use our design tools to outline some changes that we’d like to make at a convenient price. We’ll start with a curtain between the toilets – something cute, with a funny cat on it – and let’s do away with those stupid mirror things by replacing them with boomboxes. Also, who the hell has a bathroom without a TV these days? And nobody likes cold tile, so let’s add some mats, like those awesome golf bath mats, because these are athletes who never stop training. Oh, and a Penthouse magazine.
Naturally, when a true visionary like myself is redesigning a bathroom like this with the needs of so many people in mind, I also took a few liberties and added some extra luxuries.
I am available to design the bathrooms for the 2016 Summer Olympics and/or my own show on DIY.
(Banner via Spectrum Human Rights)