Cam Newton hasn’t been a bad fantasy football quarterback through Week 10 of this season, at least not compared to the hellish stress that he imposed on people last year. But he definitely hasn’t been Mr. Dependable. I remember discussing him with a friend over mimosas with the other guys at the monster truck show, and we had a long, dumb argument about whether or not Newton or Colin Kaepernick was poised to break out and have a huge year. He argued in favor of Newton, while I defended my boy Kaep with my typically strong take of “Bro, he was awesome in college.”
Turns out we’re both morons. But then, a lot of us are raging morons, because plenty of us bought in on both of these guys, so we’ve surely all been ODing on chewable children’s Tylenol in unison. I suppose that’s why the gods of fantasy football brought Newton and Kaepernick together for their Week 10 matchup, in which they combined for zero points (depending on your scoring).
Here is my appropriate GIF reaction through Week 10 for Newton’s and Kaepernick’s combined performance…
Quit hurting our feelings, bros.
You Probably Lost If You Played Against: Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and/or Demaryius Thomas
Oh you people and your elite QBs, you think you’re so much cooler than us morons who thought there would be better and improved options this year, don’t you? I hate you all so much with your success and more general and rational approach at predicting the unpredictable this year.
The QBs That Broke Our Hearts: Jake Locker, Colin Kaepernick, Geno Smith, Cam Newton, Terrelle Pryor, Eli Manning, Tony Romo, Joe Flacco, Ben Roethlisberger, Philip Rivers, Andrew Luck
All the QBs that I just listed did worse than Christian Ponder this week, while his wife was on Twitter arguing with a parody account. These guys should be ashamed of themselves, but mostly Eli Manning, because he tricked me into thinking that I should start him over Kaepernick this week, since he was playing the defense that made Nick Foles look like Peyton Manning. DAMN IT, why has everything been so strange in fantasy football this year?
If I didn’t have such a youthful appearance, I might start growing grey hairs over this.
The RBs That Broke Our Hearts: Lamar Miller, Steven Jackson, CJ Spiller, Trent Richardson, Andre Ellington, Fred Jackson, Ben Tate, Eddie Lacy, Ray Rice
I guess we could start calling these guys the Usual Suspects, with the exceptions of Ellington and Lacy. The latter just had a bad game, but Ellington is getting royally screwed in Arizona. He’s clearly far more talented (and healthier) than Rashard Mendenhall, but Bruce Arians keeps claiming that Mendenhall is the starter. Why? How many photographs of Arians sleeping with cattle does Mendenhall have? FREE ANDRE ELLINGTON!
The WRs That Broke Our Hearts: Marvin Jones, Lance Moore, Roddy White, Greg Jennings, Mike Wallace, Victor Cruz, Larry Fitzgerald, Wes Welker, Dez Bryant, Vincent Jackson, Cecil Shorts, Harry Douglas, Denarius Moore, Keenan Allen, Hakeem Nicks, Jordy Nelson
I’ll stop there, with this list of wide receivers who all pretend that they’re No. 1 guys. If I’ve felt confident about anything this season, it’s that I had most of these guys on my “Don’t draft them unless you suddenly become psychic and can predict which weeks they’ll be good and which weeks they’ll suck.” That said, I still started two of these losers, so I am the one who laughs last in my own face.
The Year of the TE Went *FART NOISE*
Twelve TEs had more than 5 points this week (depending on your league’s scoring) and I would guess that only three of them are owned in most leagues, and only two of those three would have been started. Those two are Julius Thomas and Jordan Reed, with the third guy being Delanie Walker. You know what happens this week, right? Everyone hurries to pick up John Carlson. You know what happens next week, right? John Carlson sucks.
You’ve been a cruel, fickle bitch through 10 weeks, fantasy football.
(Images via Getty)