As if it were made for just this moment, closing out a week of Spring Break fun that six people enjoyed, our final installment in the Great Moments in Spring Break History comes from some college kids who decided to buck the beach trend and head overseas for a European experience. This group of Americans – I’m not actually sure if they’re Americans, but you watch how they behave and tell me if I’m wrong to guess – chose Amsterdam as their hot spot for 2013, and when the spot gets too hot, you’ve got to throw a little water on it.
Tiffani and Eli were super stoked to be visiting Europe together for the first time as a couple. They’d broken up 6 or 7 times during the year that they dated at Auburn, but after Eli promised to stop sleeping with Becky from AZD after the ATO Rebel Yell Cotton Pickin’ Pajama Jam, Tiffani just felt like she could trust him this time. So they chose to reinforce their stronger-than-ever bond by visiting her cousin, Grieta, and her husband Joost in Amsterdam.
Joost and Grieta have been married since they were children, as their parents merged butter farms during the winter shortage of 1982 and traded cattle stock in order to smooth out the marriage details. While most arranged marriages in the Netherlands result in gruesome murders (*citation needed), Joost and Grieta found true love despite the odds. That made for a wonderful trip for Tiffani and Eli, well, until the river voyage on the Amstel.
As they were pulling up to a dock to meet Joost’s friends, Christofoor and Daffodil, at a local bakery and techno dance club, Joost allowed Eli to take control of the motor, because he swore that he “piloted more airboats than my pappy’s ol’ shine runners in the 60s”. Unfortunately, Eli failed to include that his previous experience with boats resulted in the deaths of two childhood friends, events that could have crippled his family, but his father’s lawyer, Lewis Armistead, was able to prove that the other boys had provided their own wine coolers.
Eli once again found himself struggling with the controls of a boat as he approached the dock, and he wasn’t able to tell Tiffani and Grieta in time.
Where Are They Now: Tiffani returned from Amsterdam yesterday to resume her contractual obligations as a “Caddie Cutie” at SEC alumni charity golf tournaments. Her and Eli broke up for good shortly after the boating incident, and Eli asked Joost to take him to the Red Light District to get loose and forget about her. Unfortunately, Eli became instantly addicted to heroin and currently lives in the alley behind an all-male bordello, where he cleans the bathrooms.