Poor Miami Marlins fans. Not even a glimmer of hope before the inevitable lackluster season begins, as the team has actually posted Opening Day tickets starting at $13 on Groupon. Not only can you get a Vista Level seat for the March 31 game against the Colorado Rockies at Marlins Park for as much as it costs to see a movie, but the Marlins are throwing in a voucher for the same seating for a future game just in case you’re the type of casual fan who thinks, “Maybe this party will be a little crazier later in the season.” Spoiler alert: It won’t.
For $20, you can get a ticket in the Bullpen Reserved Level, while $33 gets you a seat in the Lexus Legends Level. Of course, for $2 you can approach one of the four dejected ticket scalpers outside before first pitch and probably sit in the first row behind the dugout. But you don’t want to wait that long, because you’ll miss the pregame ceremonies, which will include Jose Fernandez being honored for his Rookie of the Year season before David Samson tells everyone about that time that he totally almost won on Survivor.
Kidding aside, I have to tip my flat-brimmed New Era cap with the sticker still on it to Groupon for at least trying to make this sound like a fun night out.
On March 31, the Marlins celebrate Opening Night while diving into a new season at Marlins Park. Squaring off against the Colorado Rockies, the Marlins will field a roster of fresh-faced youngsters led by an ace pitcher who appeared on the N.L. All-Star team and won the league’s Rookie of the Year award in 2013. A post-game fireworks show keeps the Opening Night celebration going after the final out is made, and before the game, fans can collect magnetic schedules to slap onto their fridge or the rocket ship they’ve been using while their car’s in the shop.
Magnets, yay! Try to make the best of it, Marlins fans. Jeff Loria is probably going to live forever.