Here’s An Emotional Breakdown Of Oregon Ducks Fans Today Presented By Ralph Wiggum

Senior Writer
01.16.13 17 Comments


Chances are you’ve probably already been buried by the news and Tweets that Chip Kelly is leaving the Oregon Ducks, despite previous claims that he would be staying with the program. Because I didn’t see any other reporters freaking out about this on Twitter, I believe that ESPN’s Chris Mortensen broke the news earlier this afternoon.

Of course, the Philadelphia Eagles fans that I know well – those who have lived through so many years of anger and rage – are taking this hire with a grain of salt, because who the hell knows what to expect from college coaches who make the jump to the NFL anymore? Sure, Jim Harbaugh has done wonders with the San Francisco 49ers, but to that I simply retort, NICK SABAN NICK SABAN NICK SABAN.

But if Saban has taught us anything, it’s that Oregon fans shouldn’t be too shocked by this announcement. Coaches are dirty, rotten liars and the sooner that we accept this into our lives, the sooner we can all recover from their treacherous deceits. For the fun of it, though, I’d like to share how I imagine the typical Ducks fans’ day went down with some help from the delightful Ralph Wiggum.

Chances are your day started off pretty standard, maybe with a quick bite to eat…

… Before you were out the door to class.

But if you’re a student at the University of Oregon, you probably only really ever have one thing on your mind…

And that’s fine, because despite that looming NCAA investigation, your beloved coach, Chip Kelly is staying put, so everything is a celebration.

So maybe after you went to your next class…

… And maybe the gym…

… Someone finally broke the awful news to you that Kelly was heading to the Philadelphia Eagles after all.

“How could he do this?” you asked. “He said he was staying,” you shouted as your rage boiled over…

Then the panic set in. You didn’t want to be here anymore…

… You just needed an escape, no matter how dire the decision.

Eventually you turned to hardcore drugs to ease the pain.

But it will be okay, because tomorrow is a new day and you can just change the subject…

… Try to remember the good times that you had with Kelly…

… Then send him on his way to his new career chapter with the Eagles.

Finally, you know what you have to do. Burn the house down! BURN ‘EM ALL!

(All GIFs via)

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Ashley Burns has written about movies, TV, and sports for UPROXX since the site's first day.

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