WWE loves two things the most:
2. Talking about apps
Back in May, they debuted Rockpocalypse, an action beat-em-up app about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson battling a disease epidemic by beating the crap out of everyone he sees on a movie set. No, seriously. The next most important person on the WWE Superstar hierarchy is Fruity Pebbles coverboy and direct-to-DVD Flintstones movie star John Cena.
You’d think they’d just redo Rockpocalypse with a white guy instead of a beige guy and replace “movie set” with “backstage at a WWE event,” but nope, John Cena’s getting a racing game. I don’t know, because racing games are easy to make? The best part is that despite announcing “John Cena racing game app,” WWE has no idea what to actually DO with it, and is polling the WWE Universe for advice. Here are your options:
The best option, obviously, is “fast-paced Kart racing.” Super Mario Kart is one of my favorite games of all time, so I considered the original group of characters and tried to match them up with current WWE Superstars. Here are my choices.
Mario – John Cena
The status quo. Always wins. Does the same thing every time you see him, but you’ll buy anything with his name on it, so who cares?
Luigi – Sheamus
Exactly like Mario, only taller and green.
Toad – Daniel Bryan
His kart handles the best, but he’s the smallest racer on the track. Takes a long time to get going.
Donkey Kong – Kane
Slow, but powerful. Has been around forever.
Yoshi – Yoshi Tatsu
Duh. If you want to use this spot for someone actually on television, Seth Rollins. Fast, great at jumping and always carrying people on his back.
Princess Toadstool/Peach – Dolph Ziggler
Pink cart. Floats around. Works well with Toad. Always being held back.
Koopa Troopa – Zack Ryder
Always getting stomped.
Bowser – Triple H
Just look at him. Triple H is basically Bowser already. Would be more accurate if Bowser was not only the strongest, but fastest and best handling kart. But seriously, look at his victory pose:
Let us know who you’d cast in the comments section below. Double Dash jokes encouraged.