How Many Fattest Women Are There???

We’re gonna need more Kate Uptons STAT!

Over the past few weeks, we’ve been introduced to Donna Simpson, the World’s Fattest Mom who is being forced to lose weight or she will die, and Susanne Eman, the “World’s Fattest Woman” who wants to be fatter. Well I’ve got some great news for both of them – Lean Pockets are 2 for $4 at Publix this week and Eman now has a reason to get fatter. It turns out that she’s not the fattest woman on Earth, as the Guinness Book of World Records has bestowed that honor upon 47-year old Pauline Potter of Sacramento, CA. It gets better – Potter will be featured in the 2012 edition’s section on “Extreme Beauty.”

*air guitars, kick flips into pool filled with mayonnaise*

So what does the new Queen of Un-Lean Cuisine have to say for herself?

“Everything people take for granted—those are the things I dream of,” Potter told People of not being able to live the life she wanted. “I’m not living. I want more.” (Via Third Age)

While I’m no nutritionist, I think the easy first step is to remove the pudding IV. But apparently Potter, who blames her weight on being a “compulsive eater” so she might as well also claim to be a sex addict with ADD living in fear of Lord Xenu*, wants to be a one-and-done record holder and use this notoriety to get some help. Free help, of course.

“I don’t like people to think bad of me, but I’m willing to risk that to get the help,” she said. “I have a lot of love to give, and I want to be able to help others, but I need a little help right now.”

I’d love to see NBC bring on these Lord of the Onion Rings for a special season of “The Biggest Loser.” Think about it, it would have three great stories – Potter is hellbent on losing weight, Simpson needs to lose weight to live but she doesn’t want to because she thinks she’ll find a man who wants her as she is, and Eman wants to weight more than 1,000-lbs. so she’ll be fighting the whole way.

However, we know this is too good to be true. Fox will swoop in and nab them for its own show, “In the Gravy,” about three overweight women who become the country’s first Gravy Seals to help fight terrorism on Thanksgiving, with the help of their male commander, played by Guy Fieri. I can see it now…

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