“Don’t you hate pants?!?”
Penn State beat Ohio State in Columbus for the first time in like a hundred years this weekend, and the student body of State College took to the streets to tear down light poles, destroy parking meters, uproot plant life, and climb on top of cars. Shockingly, police in riot gear showed up and gave the mob a nice glaze of mace.
Officers from surrounding townships, clad in riot gear, emptied cans of pepper spray into crowds of bystanders, who in response chanted: “Please don’t Mace us!”
Clap! Clap! Clap-clap-clap!
“No one did anything bad until the cops showed up,” said Ryan Beberus, a senior from Dallas, Pa. “I guess the sight of riot police is enough to start a riot.”
Wow. That kid’s either reading too much Chomsky or a special kind of stupid. Probably the latter, given that it’s Penn State. “Everyone was standing around in an orderly drunken celebration until the riot cops showed up. Then I just… I just don’t know what came over me! The presence of law enforcement officials convinced me I HAD to have a light pole!”
“This is f—— amazing — I’m keeping this f—— light!” Dennis Dunne (senior-hotel, restaurant and institutional management) said, proudly hoisting his end of a fallen street lamp aloft. “I’m going to probably frame it or something, keep it right next to my bed. That’s an artifact right there that will go down in history.”
He’s going to frame part of a street lamp. Because it will go down in history, you see. I thought it would be months until I saw a quote as dumb as that Chomsky kid’s. Turns out I only had to a wait a paragraph.