The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 1/9/13: Rise of the BlokeMans

blokemans

Hello Impact friends! Thanks for stopping by. I treasure our time together. A few things before we get to some very important puns:

Have you watched the trailer for our dear Brandon’s movie Meet Me There yet? Are you hype? Well, as someone who doesn’t get hype, but rather stays hype, I can say this reinforces my hype state tenfold.

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This week on Impact: Jump to the left, roll to the right, AJ Styles is going to try to unify the belts tonight!

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hair today, gone tomorrow

Worst: AJ Styles’ hair

I’m perplexed at how one achieves and maintains such monumental hat-head on a regular basis. Do you sleep in a baseball cap? Put it on over wet hair? Do you go to the barber and ask to look as unemployable as possible? Inquiring minds want you to brush your hair, AJ.

Worst: The rest of AJ Styles

Dixie is trying to convince AJ to sign a one-match contract – a winner take all, no disqualification championship match between him and Magnus to settle this title dispute (even if the title isn’t even really AJ’s I mean he doesn’t even work there). AJ says that winner take all means that he’ll be the undisputed champion. No more tournaments, no more “stupid Dixieland matches,” one man, champion forever.

AJ, sweetie darling, sweetie, that’s not exactly what undisputed champion means. You don’t just get to keep it forever and ever with no challengers. You also don’t have the authority to ban Dixieland matches and I swear to god I’m gonna get a f-cking tuxedo match out of this company if it kills me.

The downside to how stellar Dixie has been (and continues to be throughout the episode) is that when she’s next to someone who is just kind of okay (promo delivery is a sliding scale on Impact), if they can’t rise to her level, they look foolish. AJ is…not great on the mic by any stretch of the imagination, but next to Dixie, someone who has improved exponentially with each appearance, it’s really quite sad, especially when you consider how long AJ Styles has been speaking on television. Reacting to everything like someone just asked him about the gay community, then bugging out his eyes and yelling a bunch is not exactly great form, but hey, it’s what he’s been doing for…um…*checks watch* ever. But people still cheer his white pants and dumb pele kicks, so I suppose there’s something to be said for accessorizing with matching gloves and mediocrity.

As I’ve written a dozen times before, in theory, the story is great. All of the reasons that forced me to stop writing about Magnus are all of the reasons that AJ Styles has an issue with him. Styles has been a company man for over a decade, and won the World Heavyweight Championship once prior to this. He’s fought and feuded kicked around, but he’s always been there. Of course he takes issue with someone like Magnus having HIS title in HIS company, but at the end of the day, his issue is with the company and Dixie and her motivations, not really Magnus himself. It’s an interesting story, but the delivery is shoddy, and relies heavily on the notion that TNA would be good if they the storylines to match their talent. Now his talent is at the forefront of something intriguing that actually has a modicum of continuity, and he’s falling short. Magnus, for all of his faults, has the chance to play the role of the undeserving puppet in a Big Bad’s machinations, and he’s almost there. But AJ stands, not as a martyr, but a lumbering dinosaur of a previous age. Someone who’s now settled into the category of a Sting or Kurt Angle, something to move away from as the company has a chance to evolve into something better, younger, fresher. I should be on the side of AJ Styles, given my predilection for making fart noises and wanking motions in Magnus’s general direction every time he’s on screen, but the more he wants to be king, the more I want to see him be the first against the wall.

now kiss

Worst: Magnus

My embargo on writing about Magnus still stands, so instead of watching him order (sigh, yes, order) Dixie out of the ring inisting that this is between AJ and him (even if Magnus is just a strawman), please enjoy this video of Oscar the Shiba Inu not understanding what a trampoline is:

Much better, eh?

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