Jose Canseco is currently a 48-year old independent league baseball player, which translates to a guy with a lot of time on his hands. Thankfully, he spends most of that time on Twitter, either attacking his haters or trying to win back the heart of his beloved Leila Shennib or meticulously organizing his eventual campaign for president. Of course, he can’t be president, because he was born in Cuba, but that won’t stop him. Nothing will stop him. After all…
The drawback of Twitter is that it only allows us 140 words of Canseco wisdom at a time, but thankfully the people at Vice decided to do the smartest thing possible and give Canseco his own regular column, JOSÉ CAN SAY SO. And the result is pretty damn great.
Yesterday, Canseco made his spectacular debut at Vice with the editorial, “Control the People, Not the Guns”. Canseco believes that guns are essential for self-defense, and in the wake of the Aurora theater shooting, we have no way of telling which people will actually turn out to be “psychopaths”.
Of the shooter – whom I have vowed to refer to only as Sh*t Goblin, because f*ck him with a flaming tire iron – Canseco astutely points out that he was a “biologist or a chemist or something” and that while we can possibly screen people a little better, it’s basically unfair to let the actions of one psycho stop the rest of us from enjoying our Uzis, street sweepers, and machine guns. After all, guns show other people that the persons holding them aren’t to be messed with.
You should have the right to protect yourself and bear arms, no questions or ridiculous restrictions. Everyone should be able to carry a gun and show it in public: “Listen, you mess with me, you’re going to get shot.” I guarantee that if four or five or six people had guns on them in that theater, either that kid would never have gone in there, or he would have gotten blown away. That’s just the way it is. I think you have to send a message to the criminals: ”No no no no no, you think you’ve got a gun? I’ve got a bigger gun. I’ve got two guns on you.” It’s simple psychology, really.
There’s certainly something simple about that. However, as I am a person who is very internally conflicted on gun control (I love guns but absolutely hate people), I believe that Canseco’s next point is what really defeats his stance on the right to bear arms. Not because people shouldn’t own guns, but because they don’t need to.
Once, when I was about 19, I had a gun pulled on me by a younger kid. He was probably 16 or so, and he put it right in my face. My reaction was, “Put that thing away.” He jumped in his car and took off. But I’m a 6’4″ 250-pound martial arts expert. If a guy breaks into my home and comes after me but clearly doesn’t have a weapon—and I know I can defend myself—no I won’t shoot him. But I have to make sure he doesn’t have a weapon on him. And that could be a problem in the dark, after I was just startled out of bed. So it’s a very iffy situation. But, theoretically, if I was certain he didn’t have a weapon and I could defend myself (in other words he’s smaller than I am), I would not use a gun. Even if he does, I’m probably not going to shoot him above the waist; I’ll blast him in the leg or the knee.
Yes. All of that. Forget about arming yourselves, people. What you need to do is arm your blood with Boldenone, Androstenedione, Testosterone, Dromostanolone, Dihydrotestosterone, and Methenolone until you’ve hulked up to cartoonish sizes. Then, rent some martial arts movies and emulate the fighting styles of the actors until you feel confident enough to send your twin brother to fight people in your place. Once you’ve reached that elite level, you’ll be able to disarm intruders and assailants just by saying, “I am a martial arts expert, and I can defeat you.”
In all seriousness, I actually agree with Canseco on his stance on what should be done with Sh*t Goblin, and I also appreciate that Canseco refused to use his name, too (although probably because he doesn’t know how Google works).
If you misuse a weapon and kill innocent people, you should be executed. And if it were up to me, I would fry the Aurora shooter, big-time. I’d do it like old times; I’d make it a spectacle and try him in public. Hang him, electrocute him, whatever. Maybe make it a Pay-Per-View special and send the proceeds to the families of the victims and maybe offset some of the costs of keeping him on death row and operating whatever death machine you strap him to. If I were president, that’s exactly what I’d do. No doubt in my mind. Financially, it’s a great deal.
In conclusion, well done, Vice. More of this, please. More, more, more.