Khloe Kardashian is famous because her sister, Kim, made a sex tape with Brandy’s brother and her father helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder (allegedly). Then she became even more famous because she married Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom and America is full of idiots that like to watch talentless people in their everyday routines under the guise of reality programming. Thus, Lamar & Khloe debuted on the third horseman of the network apocalypse, E!, last night and I watched it so I could tell you all about how horrifying it was.
And it did not let me down. Some of the highlights include…
– We’re introduced to Lamar’s best friend, Jamie, who is the streetwise jokester with a New York accent and, according to one old picture of the duo, one hell of a jewfro. But as the trailer shows us, Khloe thinks that Jamie has just always been along for the ride while Jamie points out that Khloe and Lamar were only dating for 20 minutes before he proposed to her at a family BBQ. Will the sparks continue to fly between these two budding stars? Who cares, he’s incredibly annoying.
– Meanwhile, it’s just drama galore for Khlomar, as Lamar’s father, Joe, showed up to one of Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian’s book signings, which is ironic because their signatures were the only things in the books that they probably wrote. Joe is a recovering heroin addict who dresses like a pedophile at a Jaden Smith concert, and while Lamar doesn’t even call him dad, he still pays his bills for him. And through a terribly edited sequence, we witness Joe begging Lamar for money for food and clothes, as well as asking Kourtney, whom he had never met, for Lakers tickets. Lamar shows Khloe why he doesn’t feed the animals, leading Khloe to wonder when they’re having dessert.
– The majority of the debut episode was devoted to Lamar crying about not being an All-Star this season, and how he’s having his best season ever as a 12-year veteran and playing in the Staples Center would have been huge for him. They’re mostly right that he’s having a solid season – he’s probably going to be the NBA’s 6th man and has been huge for the Lakers – but he wasn’t making it over Blake Griffin or his teammate, Pau Gasol. At least Khloe’s brother Rob got an excellent dig in on Lamar with, “I’m in the All-Star game and he’s not.”
– But the overall theme of the show is nauseating affection. These two are all about sex, and the clip of their wedding kiss made me dry heave. Their goal is to have a baby, which is a problem for Lamar because he likes his sex to be spontaneous and Khloe and her sassy black assistant like to schedule their sexcapades.
SPOILER ALERT: Khlomar is pregnant, as conveniently announced yesterday for the debut of their show, which is great news because now we don’t have to watch it.
– Controversial Update: Khloe’s not pregnant. Probably just gas.
You can watch the trailer below, but put a barf bib on.
And for bonus fun, here’s the Mort Mort Feingold clip from this weekend’s Saturday Night Live. It’s not wonderful, by any means, but I really got a kick out of the Kardashians charity joke.