By the time that six or seven million people read this post, the first several dozen guests for Miami Heat star LeBron James’ wedding will have arrived in San Diego to begin preparing for what I am boldly calling the “Biggest Wedding of the Weekend.” I know, I’m always the first to swat hyperbole in the nose with a rolled up Penthouse, but not this time. I’m going to lay it all on the line and simply declare that this wedding will be talked about.
For example, the New York Post is already talking about James’ wedding to Savannah Brinson, as the paper has received some inside information on what you losers will be missing out on. (I still believe my invitation has been lost in the mail.) According to the Post, James is actually bucking the trend of a massive, star-studded ceremony and reception in exchange for just a huge, star-studded ceremony, reception, barbecue and brunch.
Sources tell us James is planning a smaller wedding than what would normally be expected of an NBA All-Star’s nuptials. “He cut the list down because he didn’t want to have 1,000 people at the wedding,” said one source. It’s also likely to be smaller because it will take place during the Jewish day of atonement, Yom Kippur. But the guest list will still number in the hundreds, we’re told.
That’s pretty bad news for James’ agents, managers and accountants, but their losses are probably Justin Bieber’s gain. However, the Post only has a few of the several hundred names of people who have been invited.
LeBron’s teammate Dwyane Wade and girlfriend Gabrielle Union, his childhood friend and longtime manager Maverick Carter, Chris Paul, Carmelo Anthony and wife La La Anthony and Heat president Pat Riley and head coach Erik Spoelstra are all expected to attend.
As the details of the wedding have only slightly leaked, I thought we’d play a little game of True or False based on what we know for certain about James’ wedding weekend, and you guys can determine which of these wedding details are real and which were made up by me.
a) LeBron’s guests will gather today for a welcome barbecue.
b) For the honor of best man, LeBron will send his childhood best friends and teammates into Kenya, and the first man to return with the severed head of a bull elephant will win.
c) For the understated price of $6 billion, LeBron had both Biggie Smalls and Tupac cloned and advanced in age so that they can perform together at the reception.
d) The ceremony will be subtle but elegant, followed by a cocktail reception and high-end dinner.
e) The guests were asked to choose between chicken, salmon and herb-crusted ivory-billed woodpecker.
f) In lieu of gifts, LeBron and Savannah have asked their guests to donate stem cells toward their efforts to remain immortal and ensure that LeBron’s career will last at least 70 years.
g) On Sunday, guests will gather at a farewell brunch so that LeBron and Savannah can thank them all for sharing the most beautiful and important event of their lives.
h) During the reception, guests will be treated to a 17-hour highlight reel of his career, from child rec leagues to his most recent MVP season and NBA Championship, as well as full-penetration videos of the conception of the couple’s children. The video will be narrated by Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones.
i) The ceremony will be presided over by an Illuminati high priest, who will select the next two member deaths as a means of inducting the couple’s two children. A virgin will be forced to drain the blood of an infant goat upon the unholy altar before she is ultimately sacrificed to the moon god.
j) Chris Bosh will stand outside and shout, “You guys, let me in! It’s me, Chris Bosh!”
Answer Key: a) True, b) Possibly true, c) Entirely possible, d) True, e) There’s no evidence to refute this, f) Would it surprise you?, g) True, h) Honestly, I’d be shocked if this was false, i) Not out of the realm of possibility, j) True.