Last Year: 7-9, third place in the NFC North.
Key Acquisitions: Mike Wallace, Terence Newman, Casey Matthews (lol, just kidding, Casey Matthews sucks).
Key Losses: Greg Jennings, Matt Cassel.
Addition by subtraction: Christian Ponder.
I think it’s still a huge tragedy that Teddy Bridgewater didn’t get drafted by the Bears, only because I want to live in a world where we call him Teddy Bear. But I doubt Vikings fans feel that pain, because Teddy looks like the future. In a season that looked to be marked by the “REBUILDING” tag or even considered a lost season, thanks to a certain child abuser, Teddy came in and gave the Vikings hope, even if the season ultimately meant nothing.
Teddy’s second year begins now, and Vikings fans couldn’t be happier. On top of that, said child abuser has returned to the team, and while he might still be a terrible person who didn’t learn his lesson, at least he’s real good at football, so the fans can easily rationalize away the bad stuff like football fans do. Peterson is another year older and a year removed from the game, but it’s hard to doubt he’s still a threat.
The Vikings have drafted very aggressively and well the past few seasons. Barr, Rhodes, Smith, Floyd, Bridgewater, Patterson, even Blair Walsh and Jeff Locke have worked well. Matt Kalil looked like a great pick initially, less so now. But, regardless, things look to be shaping up nicely for the future of the franchise. People are overlooking them a bit because they have spent a few seasons wallowing in mediocrity, but they could be building something real here. This season could be a coming out party. It could also be another 7-9 awkward dinner party.
For the Vikings fan perspective, I actually got two fans to contribute some words for the Vikings:
First up, Rob Mackie.
A non-zero percentage of the football punditry seems to believe that the Vikings have an outside chance to make the playoffs in this, the two thousand and fifteenth year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster. Hell, even the nerdlinger Hot Pocket enthusiasts at Football Outsiders think the team is good for 8.5 wins. This reflects a great deal more on the state of the punditry itself than anything the Vikings have done to inspire confidence. We live in an age in which the football coverage season has been stretched to include the entire calendar year, which I can only assume is an unwanted side effect of whatever Eldritch ritual it is that keeps Roger Goodell’s hairpiece in place.
As such, the poor, neglected football writers of this great nation are forced, by virtue of demands and deadlines, to churn out content with a regularity that requires the members Fraternal Order of Dudebro NFL Prognosticators to exist in a state of perpetual cognitive dissonance, forever forced to contradict their own beliefs with their writing in order to present an opinion that stands out above the glut of underpaid Bleacher Report dweebs. How do I, an amateur sportswriter at absolute best, know this? Because the lack of intelligence required to sincerely believe the Vikings have a shot at the playoffs requires a lack of intelligence so profound, it precludes the potential for functional literacy.
The Minnesota Vikings are not a bad team. However, they are most certainly not a good team, either. Most of the arguments posited in support of a good 2015 campaign are premised on the return of Adrian Peterson, a 30-year-old running back who spent the vast bulk of last season barred from playing because he has no qualms about making a pre-Kindergartner bleed from the ballbag. In addition, Peterson suffered a torn ACL in 2011, and, even though he rebounded to be league MVP in 2012, one can only assume that the ligament will reclaim its status as a ticking time bomb as soon as Peterson’s system develops a tolerance for horse painkillers.
Therefore, the hope-starved Vikings fan must turn to second-year quarterback Teddy Bridgewater for anything resembling a prosperous future. As a collective, we Vikings fans (myself included) have chosen to believe that Bridgewater is the next Fran Tarkenton, but, in our hearts of hearts, we all know he’s just the next Chad Pennington, his wet fettuccine arms endlessly dinking and dunking the team to a maximum of 13 points a game, no more, no less. The offensive line protects like a broken condom, so, naturally, General Manager Rick Spielman decided to help poor Teddy out by… trading for the perennially underachieving wide receiver Mike Wallace. In case the drafting of Christian Ponder hadn’t made this clear already, General Manager Rick Spielman is a f*cking idiot.
As a consequence, the future of Teddy is placed in the hands of Matt Kalil, the worst left tackle in the sport. And now right tackle Phil Loadholt, one the teams’ of two quasi-competent lineman, has been placed on season-ending IR, to be replaced by some scrub who wasn’t good enough to relieve Kalil of his duties. Should you choose to watch any Vikings games this year, expect to see sack after sack after sack, followed by 5-yard checkdowns and the worst punts you have ever seen in your life.
Fortunately, the Vikings defense is here to provide plenty of entertainment for psychopaths like me who believe the best football games are those with the lowest scores possible. The list of talented young defenders is impressive indeed; Harrison Smith, Everson Griffen, Xavier Rhodes, Sharrif Floyd, Anthony Barr, Robert Blanton, Linval Joseph; this is but a partial list. The defense has become immeasurably better under the watchful eye of head coach Mike Zimmer, the Malcolm Tucker of coaches. How does one mold the defensive back of the future? Apparently, it is with a forcefully creative arsenal of cuss words. Most teams will beat the Vikings, but very few will beat them by that much. In this way, the Vikings in 2015 will achieve the ideal of what a Vikings team should be… good enough to hang in games until the very end, but bad enough to lose in the most heart-sundering fashion imaginable.
Sometimes, in my quieter moments, I am able to convince myself that this team has what it takes to be the ones who finally wrest control of the NFC North from the clutches of evil artificial intelligence protocol Aaron Rodgers, Hitler Youth camp counselor Clay Matthews, and the rest of the irascible Green Bay Packers. The reality, though, is that, even under the best of circumstances, even if the Vikings make it all the way to their Week 17 game in Lambeau, chasing the last Wild Card, in full control of their destiny, able to stay in the game until the final two minutes, the only possible outcome is an 87-yard catch and run from Jordy Nelson to put it away.
In this, we see the ultimate fulfillment of what the coked-out zombie ghost of Pete Rozelle, the closest thing to a god football has, had written in the stars since the dawn of the Vikings franchise; crushing failure, at the time when success is needed most, the only option, both now and forevermore. All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.
So say we all.
Rob has a slightly more pessimistic view than I do. I think outside Christian Ponder, GM Spielman has done a fine job. Kalil looked good his first season. The many solid draft picks and mostly effective free agents have done well enough to keep the team out of the bottom.
For our second perspective, we go with graphic designer Darth Brooks, who seems a little more optimistic.
There is something about the excitement surrounding Minnesota that feels like cake day. You know something good is going to happen, but you have no idea how good it’s going to be. So, you spin in circles going, “Maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that, maybe it’s even THAT,” knowing it will never be THAT, but that it’s going to be greater than you allow yourself to expect.
The team has made some really great moves in the draft lately, and, so far, they’ve paid off well. From snookering Cleveland out of picks to drop down one when Kalil was drafted to taking Bridgewater just before the Texans likely would. This is one of the few teams where the GM is building a fan base.
The team has been hoarding players described as “talented, but needing coaching,” and then placing them in the hands of two very good teaching coaches, Mike Zimmer and Norv Turner.
The first, most correct decision Rick Spielman made was hiring Mike Zimmer. Zim has set the tone for what he wants and has been very direct about getting it. He wants quick, crisp execution, and he’ll stay on a player’s ear to get it. The team feels like it’s in year two of a three-year rebuilding project. There’s some who could be great players on the team, but it’s very much unfinished.
The wild card is Adrian Peterson. AD has a near-mythic status right now. This is one of the few guys who Jim Brown has said is his equal. This mythic status was enforced last season because he did not spare the rod. If he puts up legendary numbers and the team plays up to possible potential, the season could be one for the ages.
Minnesota is one of those teams that, if you pile up the “ifs,” if, if, if, if, if… there could be something fantastic. A championship game appearance? Maybe, if…
That wasn’t remotely likely in the hell that featured Christian Ponder at QB and Brad Childress at helm.
So, Minnesota fans sit expectantly, excitedly waiting for what comes.
