The Suck-Off exists to celebrate the worst in the NFL every week, but I can’t help but tip my cap (cap, propeller-beanie, same thing) to the Giants and Titans, who both secured home-field advantage throughout the playoffs with hard-nosed victories over the toughest opponents each conference had to offer.
But enough of this success thing — I mean, the Jets screwed themselves out of a playoff spot by losing to the lowly Seahawks! Mmmm-mm! That is some delicious sucking. A robust choke flavor, with a bouquet of Favre interceptions and a bitter finish. Excellent vintage.
Other choke jobs of note: the Eagles pissed away solid playoff hopes by managing only a field goal in their 10-3 loss to the Redskins. The game ended with Philly inches away from a tying touchdown. Ouch. What a beautiful loss. And the Broncos deserve credit for their loss to the Bills in a multi-week meltdown that has given the Chargers a chance to steal the AFC crown from them next week (Note: AFC crown made of rusted corrugated metal smeared with feces).
Our runners-up this week for the Suck-Off title are the Lions, who made it to 0-15 and looked terrible doing so against the Saints, and the Cardinals, who completely failed to show up in snowy New England. Thanks for the one fantasy point, Kurt Warner. You asshole.
This week’s winner is the Browns, who have somehow looked even worse than the Lions over the last several weeks. And by “somehow” I mean “by starting Ken Dorsey.” Cleveland got shut out at home by the Bengals — yes, those Bengals — and if I remember correctly, they’ve only scored one touchdown in the last four weeks. That is spectacularly awful, and I love it.