Watch out! Grossman’s back! And he’s got a neckbeard!
The NFL script was flipped this week, as several sucky teams decided not to suck. So does that make this Opposite Week? Is this the Monday Blow-Off instead?
First, a hearty congratulations to the Bengals, who won their first game of the season behind the competent play of Harvard man Ryan Fitzpatrick and a resurgent Chad Johnson-Cinco, who caught two touchdowns in a departure from his season-long suck. All it took, apparently, was the threat of T.J. Houshmandzadeh walking 25 miles to the NFL Network studios. Elsewhere, the Chiefs, Lions, and Browns all flirted with upsets before succumbing to their inherent crappiness, as all coughed up 4th quarter leads.
At least those teams flirted with winning; several crappy teams mailed in predictably crappy games. I’m looking at you, Seahawks (26-7 loss to the Eagles) and Rams (34-13 to the Cardinals). And the Raiders… ouch. A 24-0 blanking at home against the Falcons that was sealed by halftime. (Thanks for those 2 fantasy points, Justin Asshole Fargas.)
And yet, none of these teams earned the Suck-Off title this week.
That award goes to backup quarterbacks thrust into the spotlight. While Seneca Wallace muddled through a loss, Sexy Rex Grossman saved a Bears win (Ooh! Against the Lions! What a hero!), and Matt Cassel continued to look like a JV fill-in (25/34-204-0-1 in a loss to the Colts), nothing could diminish the black hole of Suck that was the Dallas Cowboys two-headed monster of incompetence, Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger.
In a 35-14 blowout that sent the Boys to the NFC East basement, the decideing factor was shitty quarterbacking for Dallas. Johnson sucked through the first half, going 5-of-11 for 71 yards and two picks, while Bollinger picked up the reins in the second, throwing for 63 yards and an INT on 9-of-16 passing. He also threw a TD to Terrell Owens, but that didn’t stop the wideout from putting out an open call for reporters to play quarterback. Can’t say I blame him.