Well, this is it, gang. The last mock draft before the real NFL Draft kicks off later today. As you’ve probably seen over my 33 previous mocks dating back to early August, things have really been in flux this year. This latest update is no different. We have some news about potential trades, a juicy Mariota rumor, and a fascinating move I hear the Steelers are considering. I think I can safely say this has been one of the crazier draft lead-ups I’ve seen in all my years of covering it. Should make for a fun weekend.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
Are there off-fields issues to worry about? Of course. Was his interception rate from his second college season somewhat troubling? Sure. But the Bucs have a hole at QB and Winston is the most pro-ready QB in the draft. You gotta make this pick. You gotta.
2. Tennessee Titans: Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
The question isn’t whether Marcus Mariota can adapt to the NFL. The question is whether the NFL can adapt to Marcus Mariota. As long as the Titans can do that, and tailor their attack to his impressive skill set, they should have a signal caller for a decade.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB, Florida
Just a stud. The Jags have a long way to go, and landing one of the most talented players in the draft won’t hurt at all.
4. Oakland Raiders: Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama
If the Raiders think Derek Carr is the guy at QB — if they really, really do — they owe it to him to grab the top receiver in the draft. You don’t know what kind of gunslinger you’ve got until you give him a weapon. That’s what Cooper is.
5. Washington Redskins: Kevin White, WR, West Virginia
Cooper going to the Raiders at 4 gives Dan Snyder and the Redskins an opportunity to grab the big, physical wideout the wanted all along, Kevin White. Who’s going to throw him the ball? No idea at this point. But they’ll have a heck of an option.
6: New York Jets: Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky
The Jets need a defensive identity now that Rex Ryan is in Buffalo, and I’m told they prefer Dupree over Leonard Williams, even if the latter slips out of the Top 5.
7. Chicago Bears: Leonard Williams, DL, USC
If Williams if still there at 7, Chicago is taking him. Book it.
8. Atlanta Falcons: Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson
Atlanta has a few holes to fill, but none are bigger than a young edge rusher. Beasley gives them that heat off the corner that will keep opposing quarterbacks sweating. They can address the other issues later, but with defenders coming off the board quickly, they’ll need to act fast here.
9. New York Giants: Dr. Victor Nebulous, Scientist, Underground Lair
Nebulous has been flying up draft boards lately, thanks mainly to the news that his new braxilium powered laser — a Space Jam-type weapon that temporarily saps individuals of their strength and coordination — has finished the testing process and is ready to use. I know the Giants brass visited his lair for a demonstration this past weekend, and word is they came away very impressed. Some character concerns exist (he has been referred to as an “evil” scientist), but the Giants feel disciplinarian coach Tom Coughlin can rein him in.
10. St. Louis Rams: Danny Shelton, NT, Washington
It all starts with shutting down the run, even in today’s pass-happy era. Shelton is the best pure run stopper available. Lock it in.
11. Minnesota Vikings: Brandon Scherff, OL, Iowa
Adrian Peterson or no Adrian Peterson, the Vikings need someone up front to keep Teddy Bridgewater upright. But it’s especially true if Peterson doesn’t come back. Can’t have the future of your franchise running for his life out there. The Scherff is a-near.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (Acquired from Cleveland Browns): Luscious Cashmere, Crime Boss, Miami
Word around the league is that the Browns are desperate to trade up to snag Mariota. If that fails, however, I hear they’re looking to move back, even if it means doing business with a hated division rival. Swapping first round picks with the Steelers in exchange for a booty of picks in the later rounds does just that, and it frees the Steelers up to pick the man they’ve wanted all along: notorious Miami crime boss and black market braxilium dealer Luscious Cashmere, who also reportedly has most of the league’s referees and stadium employees in his pocket. There are obvious advantages here.
13. New Orleans Saints: Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford
Drew Brees is still an elite QB in this league, but he’s no spring chicken. For the Saints to compete they need to keep him healthy. Consider Peat a forcefield.
14. Miami Dolphins: Dr. Adolf Boom, Scientist, Boom Island
As I discussed in my profile of him for the Uproxx print magazine, Boom was Dr. Nebulous’s number two until he ran off with copies of the blueprints for the braxilium laser a few weeks ago. His version isn’t operational yet, but at age 62 — compared to Nebulous at 77 — you have to like the upside here.
15. San Francisco 49ers: Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin
Losing franchise legend Frank Gore after nearly a decade means it’s time for new blood. Pairing Gordon with Colin Kaepernick gives the Niners one of the most dangerous backfields in the league.
16. Houston Texans: Dr. Maximus “Max” Lasers, Scientist, Undisclosed
It’s no secret that the Texans are targeting top laser experts Nebulous and Boom heading into the draft, but if the team can’t trade up and neither are available at 16, sources within the organization have indicated to me on numerous occasions that they’ll go after Dr. Lasers. It’s a risky pick, seeing as Lasers has not had a face-to-face meeting with any team and rumors have been swirling that he’s actually just two or three toddlers piled up inside a labcoat. (I’m told he introduced himself as “Max Way-sers” on a phone call with the Dolphins last week, which the team found “completely adorable,” but also concerning.) But desperate times call for desperate measures.
17. San Diego Chargers: DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville
You can’t have enough playmakers in the National Football League. Parker might not be exactly what the Chargers want (I could see them looking at Todd Gurley here, too), but he might be too good to pass up.
18. Kansas City Chiefs: La’el Collins, OL, LSU
Andy Reid has a long history of taking linemen in the first round and this year will be no exception. If Collins can keep holes open for Jamaal Charles to scoot through, the Chiefs could make a run at the division.
19. Cleveland Browns: Detective Reggie Falcon, Loose Cannon Cop, Miami PD
This is where things get interesting. The chatter from Cleveland is that if the Steelers take Luscious Cashmere with the pick they’re trying to acquire from the Browns, the Browns will turn around and take loose cannon Miami detective Reggie Falcon, who has been investigating Cashmere’s crew for the past six months and feels like he’s closing in. I’m hearing the team is a little concerned about his methods and self-destructive personality, but he’s assured them he gets results.
20. Philadelphia Eagles: The Real Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
There’s no confirmation here, but two separate sources in Philly have told me in the last 36 hours that Chip Kelly stored the real Marcus Mariota safely away in a bunker outside of Cherry Hill the morning after Mariota’s pro day, and the “Marcus Mariota” the Titans think they’re taking at 2 is actually just a low-level Eagles employee named Verne Butts who has been outfitted with a $250,000 Marcus Mariota body suit. What makes it even more impressive is that Butts is actually 5’4 and 285 lbs. Chip Kelly planned it all along.
21. Cincinnati Bengals: Breshad Perriman, WR, UCF
Another wideout to help pull focus away from AJ Green, or punish teams for failing to do so. Should help open things up a bit for Andy Dalton.
22. Cleveland Browns (acquired from Pittsburgh Steelers): Detective Frank Suspenders, No-Nonsense Cop, NYPD
Call this one a hunch. If the Browns pick up Reggie Falcon with their own pick at 19, I see them using the pick they acquired from the Steelers to grab no-nonsense NYPD lawman Frank Suspenders to be his new partner. Sure, they’re a mismatched pair: Devil-may-care Falcon with his flashy wardrobe and flashier attitude, by-the-book Suspenders with his meticulously maintained mustache and passion for good old fashioned police work. But the Browns think that, with time, they’ll grow to respect each and maybe — maybe — even start liking each other. They’ll be tasked with taking down Cashmere … if they don’t kill each other first.
23. Detroit Lions: Dr. Everyman, Scientist, Resistance City
With the run on scientists who have ties to braxilium laser technology near complete, it might be smart for the Lions to think outside the box and look at Everyman, the chief rebel scientist in Resistance City. A noted opponent of the capitalist uses of braxilium technology, he’s reportedly been working on a mirror-based skin cream that bounces the laser beams off of the intended victims’ skin and back toward the shooter. A hedge bet, but good value at 23.
24. Arizona Cardinals: Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State
Adding Waynes to a secondary that already includes Patrick Peterson and Tyrann Matthieu gives the Cardinals a unit that rivals that of their division foe, the Seahawks. Good luck throwing on the NFC West this season.
25. Carolina Panthers: Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State
A big body up the middle that can tie up blockers and allow Luke Kuechly to focus on seeking and destroying. Goldman might not fill up a stat sheet, but his presence on the line should help others fill it up just fine.
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (acquired from Baltimore Ravens): Loretta Suspenders, Beloved Wife, Queens
If the Browns take Falcon and Suspenders, look for the Steelers — on the advice of previous pick Luscious Cashmere — to jump back into the first round via trade to draft Loretta Suspenders, the beloved longtime wife of Frank, for the purpose of holding her hostage in an abandoned warehouse. The goal here is to either dissuade the crimefighters from investigating or, at least, to tie them up through the division schedule while they try to rescue her.
27. Dallas Cowboys: No pick
My gut tells me that Dr. Nebulous will have been able to assemble the travel version of his braxilium laser by this point in the draft, and the Giants will have him use it on the Cowboys’ war room, rendering them all incapacitated and unable to make their scheduled pick.
28. Denver Broncos: Jake Fisher, OT, Oregon
Same rationale as the Saints picking Peat: Protection for an older, immobile quarterback the team needs to keep healthy. If Peyton goes down, the season goes with it.
29. Indianapolis Colts: Dr. Baron von Mangle, Scientist, Underwater Laboratory in Bermuda Triangle
You all know the story by now: Mentor to Dr. Nebulous, inventor of the technology that led to the creation of the braxilium lasers, recently freed after serving a 20-year sentence in a space prison for leveling Paris in a failed attempt at world domination, etc. The question is whether his undeniable scientific prowess will lead a team to look past his character issues and the fact that he spent his entire pre-draft interview discussing “revenge” and “making everyone pay.” The bet here is that Colts gamble and try to steal a Top 10 talent late in the first.
30. Green Bay Packers: Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia
Another weapon for Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offense. This getting unfair.
31. New Orleans Saints: A Big Mean Dog Who Barks A Lot, Guard Dog, Al’s Junkyard
Most pundits and draftniks will tell you that you can grab a big mean dog who barks a lot on the second or third day of the draft, but the Saints need an image makeover to let teams know they mean business, and snagging their pick of the litter in Round 1 sends a message. This team isn’t just about a sexy offense. They bite, too.
32. New England Patriots: All Of The Universe’s Braxilium, Resource, The Universe
All the scientists drafted in Round 1 are immediately neutralized as the Patriots now have a monopoly on the energy source for their lasers. Belichick remains the smartest guy in the room.
