Here Are The New NFL Rules, And 15 More We’d Love To See Happen


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The NFL adopted some new rules today. Some are good, some are fine, and some are strange.

Letting a room full of people with massive televisions decide challenges? Good! No longer allowing dudes to time snaps on field goals so they can jump the center and block the kick? That always seemed unfair, so it’s fine. But all receivers running routes are now defenseless? So you can’t hit a dude hard while he’s running a seam route or over the middle? That seems bad.

And that last rule about intentionally saving time is strange. Does that mean you can’t spike the ball in the final two minutes anymore? Probably not … but it’s so vague.

If you want good rule changes, allow me to help.

The NFL is very hit or miss when it comes to changing its rules. Not I. These are 15 changes that would take the NFL from global money-printing sports mafia to global money-printing sports mafia with more nudity.

1. The New England Patriots Should Not Be Allowed To Cheat — The NFL seems to go back on forth on this but it would make sense to just not let the Patriots at all, whether it’s in the playoffs or regular season.

2. Owners Must Quarterback One Series Per Season — And they can’t be a kneel-down at the end of a game. The series must commence with at least three minutes on the clock in the second or fourth quarters, if that’s when the team opts to do it.

3. Nude Referees — Just the referee. Not the other officials.

4. Bring Back Mike Carey — We all miss him getting the replay reviews wrong, right? He left us too soon.

5. Onside Kicks Only Have To Go Five Yards — Or six. Or seven. Now that you can’t stack one side of the field for an onside kick, it’s nearly impossible to recover one. So let’s shorten that 10-yard window for touching the ball. Yes, this rule seems to add an element of danger but I’m not on the hands team, so this is a really easy call for me.

6. Make Pass Interference Reviewable — Seriously. This one is real. Referees screw this up every Sunday.

7. No More Thursday Games — Players. Fans. Nobody wants these things. Make them go away.

8. Nude Referees — I can’t emphasize this one enough.

9. First Score In Overtime Wins — The coin doesn’t decide the game. Even if you lose the toss, you have what’s called a defense that can prevent the team with the ball from driving about 50 yards to a kick a field goal. You also have special teams that can pin a team at the 20 or block a field goal. They never should have changed this.

10. Get Rid Of Extra Points — All touchdowns are seven points. But if you want to go for two, then that touchdown is worth six points and you get the extra two if you convert. The NFL decided extra points were dumb yet decided to make them harder to convert so games are now more influenced by them. Just get rid of them.

11. Sell Beer At Games After Halftime To People That Are Taking Trains Home Therefore Are At No Risk Of Drunk Driving While Tossing Back That Fourth Quarter Beverage — This one is a little me specific but maybe we can get ID cards that show which people are taking mass transportation home. I just want to be trusted, NFL.

12. Cris Collinsworth Can No Longer Laugh While He’s Talking — It’s cute when David Letterman did it during his 8-minute monologues; Collinsworth doing it for three hours every Sunday night should be a federal crime punishable by 25 years in a supermax prison.

13. Aaron Rodgers Can’t Do The Belt Thing Anymore — It’s stupid. And it’s so closely associated with State Farm that it feels like I’m watching a commercial when he does it. I don’t get why an athlete can’t write the name of a dead relative on his cleats every week but this trader to the University of California athletics can do a discount double check twice a game on national TV.

14. There Can Never Be Fewer Than Four Games At 4 p.m. — The bye weeks cause this situation where there are only two late games during a week once a season. It’s unacceptable. A lot of weeks, there are only three games in the late slots. There should always be four. We need to minimize the chances of the late schedule being all bad games. And a four-team parlay beats a three-team parlay after you’ve been cleaned out during the early games.

15. No One Is Allowed To Call Jon Gruden or Bill Cowher “Coach” Anymore — This is an issue in all sports with retired coaches but it’s pervasive here. Gruden hasn’t coached in nine years; Cowher hasn’t been on an NFL sideline since 2006. These guys have turned down coaching jobs over that time, so if they wanted to be considered coaches, the opportunity was there. Try calling someone at your office by the job they had 11 years ago and see how well it goes. You’ll be committed to a mental facility after three days of it.

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