Ranking Every NFL Stadium Name, From Bad To Not-Quite-So-Bad

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The Miami Dolphins recently sold their stadium’s naming rights to Hard Rock Cafe, which is paying $250 million over 18 years in a move that has many saying, “Holy crap, Hard Rock has that kind of money lying around and they are using it to be closely associated with Ryan Tannehill?”

With that in mind, it became important (not really) and necessary (not at all) to rank the names of all 31 NFL stadiums. The NFL season is right around the corner, so what better way to celebrate our mutual excitement than with an arbitrary list featuring various jokes at the expense of your favorite teams and players?

So please enjoy this flawless, inarguable ranking of NFL stadium names.

31. University of Phoenix Stadium (Cardinals) — Let’s list all the bad things. 1) The University of Phoenix does not play in this stadium, as the University of Phoenix only exists on the internet and doesn’t have a sports program. 2) The stadium is not located in Phoenix. 3) It is located in Glendale. 4) Seriously, a pro team named its stadium after an online college. 5) You’re an NFL team and everyone wants to be part of your brand, and this is the best you can do?

The Worst Of The Worst: Banks

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30. TCF Bank Stadium (Vikings)
29. M&T Bank Stadium (Ravens)
28. Everbank Stadium (Jaguars)
27. Bank of America Stadium (Panthers)

What’s less interesting than naming your stadium after a bank? Maybe if this was the NBA or a Professional Billiards League that for some reason requires an 80,000-seat stadium, having “bank” in the name is clever. Banks aren’t even open on Sundays. Also, a union between four NFL teams and four banks is unseemly. The only other time this many evil entities have come together for a common cause was in Suicide Squad.

Nearly As Bad As Banks: Investment Firms

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26. Lincoln Financial Field (Eagles)
25. Raymond James Stadium (Bucs)

Investment firms love to extract money from their customers with sneaky fees, so it makes sense for them to partner with the NFL, which makes its customers pay thousands of dollars for personal seat licenses, sweaters and beers at the stadium.

Also Sort Of Boring: Communications Companies

24. CenturyLink Field (Seahawks)
23. Qualcomm Stadium (Chargers)
22. AT&T Stadium (Cowboys)

CenturyLink and Qualcomm aren’t words. If you were naming a time machine, you’d name it CenturyLink. “We have to kill Hitler. To the CenturyLink!” Qualcomm sounds as if someone was trying to say “Quality Communications” while being mule-kicked in the groin. AT&T is known for dropping your call; Dez Bryant is known for dropping a ball.

Stadiums Named After People

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21. Paul Brown Stadium (Bengals)
20. Lucas Oil Field (Colts)
19. Lambeau Field (Packers)

Naming your stadium after a guy who coached your biggest rival and maybe had that team named after him — some say the Browns were named after Paul Brown, others say it was Joe Louis, the “Brown Bomber” — is about as Bengals as it gets. Rename it Roethlisberger Stadium in 10 years, why don’t you?

Not a lot of people know it, but Lucas Oil bought the Colts in the 1950s before selling it to Robert Irsay. Oil was so beloved that Irsay named the stadium after Oil, who ironically drives an electric car.

Curly Lambeau founded the Packers, and when you create a team, you can name anything after yourself.

All The Rest

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18. Georgia Dome (Falcons) — I love stadiums that involved minimal effort.

“What should we call it?”
“Atlanta Dome!”
“We can do better than that.”
“Georgia Dome!”
“I love it! You are going places, my friend.”

Naming your stadium after your home city is about as lazy as it gets.

17. Oakland Coliseum (Raiders) — Oh, my bad. Up until this year, it was O.Co Coliseum. It’s just fun to stay. Oh Dot Co. I didn’t know until maybe a year ago that O.Co was Overstock Dot Com, which makes me wonder why it wasn’t Overstock Dot Com Stadium. Or why a team with such little talent was associated with a company that had too much valuable stuff.

16. MetLife Stadium (Giants/Jets) — How a stadium that houses the Jets and Giants isn’t named JetBlue Stadium remains a mystery. Plus, you throw in a free plug for the area’s perennially disappointing baseball team in there. “MetLife Stadium” loosely translates to “Endless Heartbreak Stadium.”

15. FedEx Field (Redskins) — This would be an amazing partnership if FedEx was known for delivering racist caricatures and years of soul-crushing losses at the hands of a meddling owner, but it’s not, so it isn’t.

14. New Era Stadium (Bills) — This feels like a clever way of getting around a promise made by management to players and fans. “We told you that starting in 2016, you can expect the start of a new era. Well, here it is. New Era Stadium! However, we will still go 6-10 and miss the playoffs for the next six years.”

13. FirstEnergy Field (Browns) — Motion is the first energy, so I don’t know how this company got hooked up (get it?) with a team that moves an average of two yards per play. The Browns should partner with an energy conservation company because there is definitely no excess energy being used by the Browns. There’s also a brownout joke here, but I can’t find it.

12. Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum (Rams) — There’s nothing funny or neat about the stadium’s name, but it’s pretty great that the Rams escaped from St. Louis and will now play eight games per season in the stadium that served as the setting for the pivotal scene in the movie Escape from L.A.

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11. Soldier Field (Bears) — Remember when Kellen Winslow called himself a f*cking soldier? That was funny. You know what’s not funny? Jokes about real soldiers. Is that what you were expecting here? Sorry, buddy. I support the troops.

10. Ford Field (Lions) — Not a lot of people know this, but the building was named in honor of Lita Ford, the kick-ass rock star of the late 1970s and early 1980s. As legend has it, she told Gary Danielson in 1982 to “stop sucking” and that fueled the Lions to the playoffs. Don’t confirm any of this with Lita or the Lions. Thank you.

9. Sports Authority Field (Broncos) — Any building with “Authority” in the title sounds bad-ass. Even courthouses don’t have “Authority” in the names. But then you remember the stadium is named after a place that got run out of business by a sporting goods chain named “Dick’s” and feel bad for everyone in Denver.

8. Arrowhead Stadium (Chiefs) — The name goes back to 1968 when the stadium broke ground, but it’s a subtle, fantastic joke now. Think about it. Arrowhead. The sharp tip of an arrow that zips through the air and hits its targets at great distances with deadly accuracy. That idea is attached to a team whose last eight starting quarterbacks have been Alex Smith, Brady Quinn, Matt Cassel, Tyler Palko, Kyle Orton, Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen and Damon Huard. Arrowhead is a joke nearly 50 years in the making.

7. NRG Stadium (Texans) — Until last season, I didn’t get that “NRG” was “energy” because no one knows the names of power companies in other states. Hopefully this opens the door for more brands to do this. I’d like to see BM Stadium (Ex-Lax), MTD Field (Viagra) and ICP Dome (Flomax) in the near future.

6. Nissan Stadium (Titans) — I love the synergy, because the only thing more embarrassing than being driven by a Nissan is being driven by Mike Mularkey. The team’s logo should be a mom in a Nissan minivan dropping off an embarrassed child in a Titans jersey outside of school.

5. Gillette Stadium (Patriots) — You have to appreciate the honesty of the Patriots playing in a place named for razors, seeing as how the team has spent years doing everything it can to get a massive edge in an effort to win championships.

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4. Levi’s Stadium (49ers) — Because in a stadium named after jeans, it’s only a matter of time before announcers start referring to 3rd-and-1s and 4th-and-1s as jort-yardage situations. And by announcers, I mean me.

3. Heinz Field (Steelers) — It’s the perfect stadium for a dad to take his child because when the Steelers are losing, he can turn to his child and say, “We’re down six. Looks like we’ll have to play… ketchup… at Heinz Field.” Elite Dad Joke Stadium.

2. Superdome (Saints) — How can you not love this name? Other NFL franchises wish they had the guts to do this. Imagine if there were other stadiums like Awesomedome or Bitchin’ Field or Lit AF Stadium.

1. Hard Rock Stadium (Dolphins) — It’s important for people to feel comfortable with their bodies, and I think an NFL team in Miami naming its stadium after a Dwayne Johnson erection will go a long way toward doing that.

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Dale!

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