POWER RANKINGS: THE CHANGEUP

07.17.09 8 years ago 2 Comments

Power Rankings are just another drawn-out way to dump links. Except when we do power rankings. Then they kick ass.

1. Pitchgate. It’s fascinating how a guy who supposedly brought America together nearly tore it apart again with this awkward angle of a ceremonial offering in a baseball game that didn’t count any more than the flip of a coin. And the boos in Busch were fun, too.

2. Shaq’s rendition of “Beat It.” Another untimely tribute for another untimely demise.

3. The promise of a Gina Carano sex tape. One can only hope Obama sends the FBI after that tape. If you can snatch Elian Gonzalez out of the dead of night, we can certainly waterboard Carano’s ex-boyfriend until he gives it up.

4. Drinking in front of high school softball players. Yeah, this guy got fired from his softball coaching job it. One of these days, America will have to drop its pretension over alcohol. And prostitutes. But let’s start with alcohol first.

5. Brothels. One Olympian started one in New Zealand. One is offering discounts if you ride your bike in. To the building. Perv. Anyway, it was a good news week for whorehouses. Great job, everyone.

6. Twitter. Are you telling me that Twitter might actually make some money now? It still can’t be any more awesome than “Beer Pong Challenge“.

7. The Mount Rushmore of the internets. Did they forget anyone? Uh, you know, besides Al Gore?

8. Sex on a ferris wheel. Relax, it’s safe for work. Unless you work on a ferris wheel.

9. Bacon. It seems only natural that Honey Bacon would be an independent.

10. Poker. Seems appropriate that I should put this last, after my finish in the blogger tourney and my dismal showing in Carbon Poker’s 50k. I’ll get you next time, Cousins of Ron Mexico!

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