So some people at ReserveYourNight asked me if I would spend some time before Thanksgiving writing about things that I’m thankful for. I reminded them that I’m actually a cruel, insensitive person, and devoid of gratitude for pretty much everything. Then they said that if I did it, I would get a bottle of wine, and that really opened up my eyes to the many wonders of life. Free hooch will do that.
I am thankful for the Trolololo guy. Because he is a walking, singing piece of art, not to mention the only good thing that ever came out of communism. The guy’s name is actually Eduard Khil, an award-winning Soviet-born performer whose rendition of “I Am Glad, Cause I’m Finally Returning Back Home” took the internet by storm last year. Of all the memes I’ve seen over the years, this one is still my favorite.
I am thankful that people are standing up for their rights against TSA. I am thankful for fantasy football, for cookie dough in ice cream, and for Chris Andersen, who has taught us that white people with tattoos can be even scarier than black people with tattoos.
I am thankful that the pitcher still bats in the National League. I’m thankful for those tight workout pants that women wear all the time. Baby back ribs. Monday Night Football. My Wednesday night podcast. My Thursday night bourbon club. Fridays. Saturdays, but not Sundays. Because Sundays are really, really bad.
I am thankful that I’m not allergic to peanuts. That there’s still a chance that we’ll see the NFL in 2011. I’m thankful that I’ll have a chance to read “that new Mark Twain book.” I’m thankful for central air, for Wikipedia, and Xbox live. For Korean automobiles and Korean take-out. And for Vegas. Because Vegas is really, really awesome.
I am thankful for slot machines, even though I don’t play them. They make fun noises and harbor scores of old people that I otherwise would be tripping over to get to the poker tables. And the clubs are nice, too. And the food. And the weather’s usually excellent unless you’re an idiot and go out there in July.
But I’m really thankful to be living here, now, in America, in this day and age. I could have been some French peasant from feudalistic times, but no. I got to be a white guy that sits in front of his laptop and rip on anything that suits his fancy. That’s pretty awesome. And for that, I should probably be thankful to Drew Magary, to Matt Ufford, and the rest of the KSK crew. It’s a family that’s much better than my actual family, because I don’t have to pretend to interact with them during the holidays.
And I guess I’m really thankful for free wine, because that was my only motivation for writing this. I didn’t even realize that I liked wine so much. I still don’t like it anymore than the Trololo guy. That dude is just flippin’ sweet.