Pittsburgh’s 96.1 KISS FM Morning Freak Show, hosted by Mikey and Big Bob, responded to a Twitter rumor yesterday that Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby is dating country-turned-pop star Taylor Swift. Normally, I’d be like, “Stupid morning radio bros startin’ poop with awful photoshops” but not this time, because this rumor totally seems like it could be true.
For example, Swift is playing at the Amway Center tonight in my beloved Bethlehem of the meth belt, Orlando, and I wouldn’t even flinch if someone walked up to me in a strip club and said, “Hey I heard Sidney Crosby’s in town because Taylor Swift is playing a show tonight” because she has a different boyfriend every week. In fact, I’m shocked that she hasn’t dated Crosby yet. Hell, any pro athlete for that matter.
So because it’s eventually going to happen, and Swift will break up with whichever athlete she gets her talons on (please be Tebow, please be Tebow…) and then she’ll write an entire album about him, I took the liberty of writing her first hit single off that album.
“Three Strikes and You’re No Good”
Music by Taylor Swift
Lyrics by Ashley “Colonel Lovejuice” Burns
Inspired by [Insert Athlete’s Name]
(First verse)
You may lead the league in blocks
But there’s no time left on my clocks
Your home runs may pack the stands
But honey we ain’t holdin’ hands
No moooooooooooore
(Chorus)
Strike one, you’re no fun
Strike two, who the heck are you?
Strike three, to be mean to me
Strike four, you’re out the door
My heart split the uprights but you’re no good
(Second verse)
It’s a good thing I’m not an ump
Because I’d give your head a lump
I’d check you into the glass
And you’d never touch my… *shhhhh*
No moooooooooooore
(Chorus)
Strike one, boy, you’re done
Strike two, lace up your shoe
Strike three, bring on the punt team
Strike four, my heart strings just tore
Put me on the 60 day DL because you’re no good
(Bridge)
You said you’re from the school of hard knocks
But now you’re in my penalty box
You’d rather judge a wet t-shirt party
Than treat me like your Lombardi
Now I’m cutting you from my roster before opening day
Because you just hit into a triple play
You’re my lousy Scott Norwood, cuz you’re no good, no good no gooooooooood
(Third verse)
So go use performance-enhancing drugs
While you’re out there endorsing UGGs
Cuz you ain’t on my lineup card tonight
And these benches won’t clear to fight
No moooooooooooore
(Chorus)
Strike one, I’m calling an audible to shotgun
Strike two, my whistle blew
Strike three, don’t blame the referee
Strike four, get off the floor
That’s someone else with me on the Kiss Cam, cuz you’re no goooooooood
