“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 3

Senior Writer
09.26.11 15 Comments

After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

"I need a drink."

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-3) – The Colts brass announced this morning that they will examine their QB issues and make decisions accordingly. You all know what this means…

Realistically, get ready for David Garrard rumors galore.

2. Miami Dolphins (0-3) – Unlike the Seahawks, the Dolphins don’t have the comfort of playing terrible divisional opponents. At this point, I’ll confidently predict that they lose every game to Buffalo, New England and New York. But they’ll find a way to win a game or two and end up with a pick in the 2-5 range. It will be interesting to see who Bill Cowher selects with it.

3. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) – How long until Todd Haley is fired? 10? 20 minutes?

4. Minnesota Vikings (0-3) – Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson both received huge paydays. Only AP is playing like he appreciates it. He deserves better than 0-3. I’m predicting Christian Ponder by Week 8.

5. St. Louis Rams (0-3) – The Rams may be my worst prediction of the season. I thought these guys were poised to steamroll this weak ass division, and now they look like they’d scrape the barrel in Canada.

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Hooray for kickers!

6. Seattle Seahawks (1-2) – Cheap win No. 1 has been checked off. I’m sure Pete Carroll would love to have Luck, but he hasn’t even tried trading a second round pick for Matt Leinart yet. I assume that is coming soon.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) – Poor Blaine Gabbert. He is the inspiration for my long-standing belief that no rookie QB should start. I’m not saying it should be a league rule, but GMs and coaches should given a DVD of Aaron Rodgers’ career every time they select a QB in the first round.

8. Arizona Cardinals (1-2) – When the Cardinals made the deal for Kevin Kolb, did they not ever stop and ask, “Could we throw in a draft pick to grab Asante Samuel from you, too?” Good to see the Bidwell family is still ass backwards.

9. Denver Broncos (1-2) – I wish John Fox would just start Tim Tebow already. If he sucks, Fox gets a big “I told you so, now let me do my job” and if he’s good, Fox just has to eat a little crow, as opposed to an entire feast down the road.

10. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) – Carson Palmer was tailgating and boozing it up at USC this weekend. He’s clearly a man determined to play in the NFL again.

11. Carolina Panthers (1-2) – Where were you when the world experienced Cam Newton’s first victory? I was over there, not giving a crap.

12. Chicago Bears (1-2) – Jay Cutler follows (and likes) Not Jay Cutler. I hate that I’m really starting to like the guy.

13. Atlanta Falcons (1-2) – I’m still not ready to give Josh Freeman and the Buccaneers any credit, so how the hell do the Falcons look this bad? Matt Ryan is giving us all we could ever hope for in a season without a Peyton Manning face.

14. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2) – Mike Vick is out 3-4 weeks and he blames the refs for not protecting him when he is known for running all over the place, which therefore makes it hard to “protect” him. At least he didn’t play the race card or anything. Also, if I’m an Eagles fan, I’m thinking Vince Young would make a nice battery target for his Dream Team comment.

15. Dallas Cowboys (1-1)* – Here’s where I make my bold Monday Night Football prediction (I was oh so wrong last week) and I think that wounded deer Tony Romo will lose to the Redskins. This is also where I make my inappropriate fantasy football plea of the week – would it kill Felix Jones to score? You’re killing me, man.

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Ashley Burns has written about movies, TV, and sports for UPROXX since the site's first day.

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