After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.
But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.
So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.
On to the suck!
1. Indianapolis Colts (0-3) – The Colts brass announced this morning that they will examine their QB issues and make decisions accordingly. You all know what this means…
Realistically, get ready for David Garrard rumors galore.
2. Miami Dolphins (0-3) – Unlike the Seahawks, the Dolphins don’t have the comfort of playing terrible divisional opponents. At this point, I’ll confidently predict that they lose every game to Buffalo, New England and New York. But they’ll find a way to win a game or two and end up with a pick in the 2-5 range. It will be interesting to see who Bill Cowher selects with it.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) – How long until Todd Haley is fired? 10? 20 minutes?
4. Minnesota Vikings (0-3) – Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson both received huge paydays. Only AP is playing like he appreciates it. He deserves better than 0-3. I’m predicting Christian Ponder by Week 8.
5. St. Louis Rams (0-3) – The Rams may be my worst prediction of the season. I thought these guys were poised to steamroll this weak ass division, and now they look like they’d scrape the barrel in Canada.
6. Seattle Seahawks (1-2) – Cheap win No. 1 has been checked off. I’m sure Pete Carroll would love to have Luck, but he hasn’t even tried trading a second round pick for Matt Leinart yet. I assume that is coming soon.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) – Poor Blaine Gabbert. He is the inspiration for my long-standing belief that no rookie QB should start. I’m not saying it should be a league rule, but GMs and coaches should given a DVD of Aaron Rodgers’ career every time they select a QB in the first round.
8. Arizona Cardinals (1-2) – When the Cardinals made the deal for Kevin Kolb, did they not ever stop and ask, “Could we throw in a draft pick to grab Asante Samuel from you, too?” Good to see the Bidwell family is still ass backwards.
9. Denver Broncos (1-2) – I wish John Fox would just start Tim Tebow already. If he sucks, Fox gets a big “I told you so, now let me do my job” and if he’s good, Fox just has to eat a little crow, as opposed to an entire feast down the road.
10. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) – Carson Palmer was tailgating and boozing it up at USC this weekend. He’s clearly a man determined to play in the NFL again.
11. Carolina Panthers (1-2) – Where were you when the world experienced Cam Newton’s first victory? I was over there, not giving a crap.
12. Chicago Bears (1-2) – Jay Cutler follows (and likes) Not Jay Cutler. I hate that I’m really starting to like the guy.
13. Atlanta Falcons (1-2) – I’m still not ready to give Josh Freeman and the Buccaneers any credit, so how the hell do the Falcons look this bad? Matt Ryan is giving us all we could ever hope for in a season without a Peyton Manning face.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2) – Mike Vick is out 3-4 weeks and he blames the refs for not protecting him when he is known for running all over the place, which therefore makes it hard to “protect” him. At least he didn’t play the race card or anything. Also, if I’m an Eagles fan, I’m thinking Vince Young would make a nice battery target for his Dream Team comment.
15. Dallas Cowboys (1-1)* – Here’s where I make my bold Monday Night Football prediction (I was oh so wrong last week) and I think that wounded deer Tony Romo will lose to the Redskins. This is also where I make my inappropriate fantasy football plea of the week – would it kill Felix Jones to score? You’re killing me, man.
16. Tennessee Titans (2-1) – Kenny Britt is out for the season with a torn ACL and MCL, after spending the preseason with a bad hamstring. Britt was seemingly the fantasy football wide receiver value pick of the year before this happened, so this sucks double hard.
17. Cleveland Browns (2-1) – Cleveland has wins over Miami and Indianapolis, which makes the Browns this week’s official “Team That Should Be Ranked In The Top 5 But Instead Owes Whoever Does The League Scheduling A Blumpkin.”
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1) – I reiterate last week’s point – Bucs fans do not trust Josh Freeman. How this guy keeps winning is so far beyond me.
19. San Francisco 49ers (2-1) – If Alex Smith is the ultimate benefactor of playing against the sh*tty NFC West teams, then I will never again try to understand football franchise operations.
20. Washington Redskins (2-0)* – Again, I am picking the Redskins to win tonight, so I apologize in advance to our DC readers for this kiss of death. During the preseason, my one Redskins friend would constantly scream about how he wanted to murder Mike Shanahan. Now I’m pretty sure he’d be the little spoon. Funny how winning changes the heart.
21. New York Giants (2-1) – Last week, my buddy and I talked about how Victor Cruz was THE guy to grab off waivers over and over. We recalled his solid preseason performances and agreed that he could be that Miles Austin/Chad Johnson receiver that pops up out of nowhere. And neither of us picked him up. Because we’re idiots, you see.
22. San Diego Chargers (2-1) – I don’t know why I cheer against the Chargers so much. Then someone points at Philip Rivers and I say, “Oh yeah.”
23. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1) – Mike Wallace may be my favorite wide receiver in the NFL to watch. It used to be Larry Fitzgerald, but the Cardinals don’t ever want to put a solid supporting cast around him again, so it’s Wallace and his pointy hair now.
24. New York Jets (2-1) – I’m not too young (somewhere within the key demographic of white males, ages 18-49) but I still can’t watch a grown man have his broken nose reset without cringing. With that said, I want a GIF of Mark Sanchez’s busted grill immediately.
25. Oakland Raiders (2-1) – My strange sense of hype for the Raiders’ surprise success continues to grow, but only because I’m afraid I’ll be stabbed if I don’t like them.
26. Houston Texans (2-1) – Realistically, there’s no way the Texans could possibly lose the AFC South this year, so I have no problem speaking on behalf of people who drafted Arian Foster – please come back soon, we’re not the same without you.
27. New Orleans Saints (2-1) – When the lockout lifted, teams that were interested in Darren Sproles included the Rams and the Dolphins. I’m not saying he’s an elite game-changing RB, but dude has some skills.
28. New England Patriots (2-1) – The Buffalo Bills had more fans than any team in the world yesterday. Also, Chad Ochocinco should be unemployed.
29. Baltimore Ravens (2-1) – Baltimore rookie Torrey Smith broke a NFL record by catching 3 TDs in the first quarter yesterday. In two weeks, he’ll set another record when he becomes the fastest added and dropped player in fantasy football history.
30. Buffalo Bills (3-0) – Who seriously woulda thunk it?
31. Detroit Lions (3-0) – Who SERIOUSLY woulda thunk it?
32. Green Bay Packers (3-0) – Let’s go ahead and just say that Green Bay is eliminated from contention at this point.